Just a week ago, I discovered that I am pregnant. It had been six weeks since my last period, and deep down, I suspected the test would be positive when I bought it.
My partner paused his video game as I entered the room. I shared the news, and we both sat on the couch, staring blankly ahead. Neither of us knew what to say.
This wasn’t an unexpected pregnancy. As a thirty-five-year-old with a stable career in San Francisco that I’ve developed over the past decade, I thought I was ready. My partner and I had built a comfortable life together and agreed that now would be the best time to start a family. I went off birth control, and for seven months, we let fate take its course. If I got pregnant, we’d embrace it; if not, life would continue as usual.
We’re both educated, fully aware of what unprotected sex could lead to, yet the reality of achieving something we both wanted felt overwhelming.
We didn’t discuss the pregnancy until the next day, each of us hoping the test might have been faulty or that we had taken it at the wrong time. Perhaps our lives weren’t about to change forever.
As the days passed, the weight of the news started to settle in: We were going to have a baby.
Since that moment, I’ve found myself in tears more often than not. The emotions hit me unexpectedly—while brushing my teeth, or during a mundane moment at work. And these aren’t joyful tears; they’re heavy sobs that seem relentless.
I needed to confide in someone. I craved reassurance that everything would turn out fine. So, I called my mom, expecting her to have the right words.
“Are you so excited?” was her first question.
I broke down, muffling my cries with my hand over the phone. No, I’m not excited. I’m filled with fear, anger, sadness—everything but joy.
Then guilt washed over me. Isn’t it supposed to be a moment of happiness? Movies depict women crying tears of joy, spinning with delight, eager to share their news. The thought of doing any of that now fills me with anxiety instead.
What’s wrong with me? Does this mean I’ll be a bad mother? Am I the only woman who feels disheartened by a planned pregnancy?
I tried to avoid the internet, knowing I shouldn’t trust what I read, but the pull for empathy was too strong. Unsure of what to search for, I typed, “I just found out I’m pregnant and I’m not excited.”
I was met with a flood of articles from various mom blogs. One particular post caught my attention. A woman shared how she had dedicated her life to her career and enjoyed her time with her partner. She didn’t feel incomplete, yet she too had decided to leave it up to fate. After stopping her birth control, she found herself pregnant and felt the same way I did: “I’m not excited. I don’t know if I want this anymore. How can I bring a child into the world when I feel this way?”
A wave of relief washed over me—I found someone who understood my struggles. Someone who loved their life without children, yet was grappling with unexpected sadness about pregnancy.
As I scrolled through the comments, bracing for negative reactions, I was pleasantly surprised to see compassion instead. One woman, who had longed for children and experienced multiple miscarriages, expressed her own feelings of sadness and guilt upon realizing she would carry her baby to term. Another shared that she experienced a mourning period when expecting her first child, grieving for her previous life.
Sure, I thought, they’re just random women on the internet, but they resonate with me. I wasn’t ready to share my feelings with anyone else after talking to my mom, but I couldn’t help myself. I texted a close friend who has kids.
“I’m not ready to go public, but I’m pregnant and freaking out. Please tell me that’s normal,” I wrote.
Moments later, my phone rang. Instead of congratulations, she said, “It’s totally normal.”
A breath I didn’t realize I was holding escaped my lips. She shared how she waited a day to tell her husband after finding out she was expecting, even though they had been trying for a child. She cried, cursed, and felt like her life was over until she heard her baby’s heartbeat for the first time.
After our conversation, I cried again, but this time with a mix of relief alongside my sadness. I’m not alone in my feelings. This is a normal reaction.
It’s something I’ll have to remind myself of repeatedly throughout the next eight months. It’s reassurance my friends will reinforce, and I know I’ll look it up online countless more times.
But here’s the truth: It’s normal. And I’m normal.
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Summary
Navigating the emotional landscape of an unexpected pregnancy can be challenging, even when it’s planned. Many expectant mothers experience a range of feelings beyond excitement, including fear and guilt. It’s important to know that these feelings are normal and shared by others. Seeking support from friends and online communities can provide comfort and reassurance during this transformative time.