During a recent vacation, I found myself indulging in a rare moment of tranquility, enjoying a good book in peace. As I got lost in the story, one of my daughters entered to use the bathroom. Instinctively, I shut my eyes and pretended to be asleep, hoping to savor my quiet time a little longer. Yes, I sometimes resort to playing dead with my kids to maintain those precious moments of solitude.
After her bathroom visit, I heard her struggling with the door, which seemed to be stuck. Instead of jumping up to help her, I chose to wait. After a few minutes, she figured out how to open the door and emerged. Some may consider this behavior unkind, and my mom certainly would. “Why not just help her?” she would ask. The answer is simple: I believe in teaching my daughters how to navigate challenges on their own, even if it means figuring out how to get out of a bathroom.
I aim to raise strong, capable women rather than dependent individuals. I refrain from jumping in to assist until I see if they can tackle their challenges independently. My time with them is limited, and I want to instill a sense of self-sufficiency before they become adults. I’m determined that they learn to take pride in their achievements, as there will be times in life when we can’t be there for them.
Too often, I hear them say “I can’t” or “Help me” before even attempting to do something minor. It’s frustrating to watch. I’ve seen them sit in the car, pleading for me to open the door instead of realizing they can do it themselves. When they’ve complained about untangling a shoelace without trying, I simply walk away, reminding them that they haven’t even attempted it. When they bring me their devices with error messages instead of attempting to read the prompts, I tell them to figure it out if they wish to continue playing.
In most cases, they do resolve the issues on their own, and the joy on their faces is my reward. I remind them that they are intelligent and capable of more than they often believe.
I don’t want them to grow into women who feel helpless without a partner. I want them to feel complete on their own and find someone who complements them. Sure, I have my husband handle tasks like cutting watermelon because he does it better and faster than I do. But I want my daughters to understand that while it’s nice to have help, they don’t need to rely on someone else to accomplish tasks.
I’ve had moments myself where I felt frustrated, like when I struggled to open a stubborn jar. Instead of waiting for someone else to help, I took matters into my own hands, literally smashing the jar to access the pickles inside. It may not have been the safest option, but that pickle tasted like victory.
I want my daughters to be proactive, researching, asking questions, and taking action to achieve their goals, rather than waiting for instructions. Life is full of ups and downs, and when challenges arise, I want them to be able to stand on their own. I can’t always provide a safety net, so it’s essential that they learn to recover from setbacks and face life’s challenges head-on.
I hope that through small challenges, like being stuck in a bathroom or untying shoelaces, they internalize the strength and independence I want them to embody. These little victories are stepping stones to tackling more significant obstacles in the future. I don’t want them to be princesses waiting for a knight to save them.
When they truly need support, I will be there to comfort them after they’ve tried their best. I’ll offer guidance when they veer off course. But I can sleep soundly, knowing that by allowing them to struggle a bit, I’m preparing them for a future where they can stand tall on their own.
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In summary, I refuse to help my daughters immediately when they ask for assistance. Instead, I want them to develop problem-solving skills and a sense of independence. By allowing them to face challenges on their own, I hope to equip them for future obstacles and foster their self-reliance.