As mothers, guilt can feel like an inherent part of our journey. We often find ourselves feeling responsible for everything, from snapping at our children to declining yet another request to read the same story for the fifteenth time that day. While a small amount of guilt can motivate us to strive for better, there’s also the relentless, unfounded guilt that can consume us, especially when it comes to things beyond our control. This is the burden that many mothers of premature babies carry with them daily.
The feelings of guilt don’t just stem from the fact that your little one arrived early. There are countless aspects of the NICU experience that can weigh heavily on your heart. This self-blame can intensify each time you have to leave your baby at the hospital. When your baby finally comes home, you might find yourself grappling with feelings of guilt and shame about the past, which can hinder your healing. Accepting that none of it was your fault can be one of the toughest challenges, but it is crucial for your emotional well-being.
Here are some common thoughts of guilt that many preemie mothers, including myself, have experienced. I hope that by sharing these, other moms on a similar journey can find solace in knowing they are not alone, and that recognizing these feelings can pave the way for healing.
- I’m sorry you had to come early, and I couldn’t protect you.
The first wave of guilt often arises from your baby’s premature birth. Regardless of the circumstances, the instinct to protect your child is strong, and it’s easy to feel like you failed. The reality is, it was not your fault. Accepting that the situation was beyond your control can help ease the inner critic. - I’m sorry I didn’t give birth the way I wanted to.
Many preemie births happen via C-section, and for those of us who had hoped for a different experience, this can feel like a loss. Missing out on those first moments of skin-to-skin contact can lead to feelings of inadequacy. Mourning these lost experiences is natural, but it’s important to remember that your worth as a mother is not defined by how your baby was born. - I’m sorry I had to leave you.
Leaving your baby in the NICU is one of the hardest parts of the journey. The guilt associated with walking out of the hospital can be overwhelming, especially if you didn’t break down in tears every time. It’s perfectly normal to cope in your own way, and recognizing that this was a survival mechanism is important. - I’m sorry I couldn’t be there more.
For parents balancing multiple responsibilities, spending long hours in the NICU can be challenging. You may feel guilty for not being able to devote all your time to your baby, but remember that each minute you spend together is valuable. Whether you have other children or not, taking care of yourself and maintaining your home life is also crucial. - I’m sorry I let others care for you.
It’s natural to feel protective and jealous when others are caring for your baby. This feeling can be especially strong in the NICU, where nurses and doctors provide the specialized care your baby needs. Acknowledge this discomfort, but remind yourself that your baby is receiving the best care possible. - I’m sorry I couldn’t shield you from pain.
Watching your child undergo medical procedures is heart-wrenching. The instinct to protect them from discomfort is innate, and feeling guilty about not being able to do so is common. Remember that these interventions are meant to help your baby, and it’s okay to feel the way you do. - I’m sorry I was numb.
During such intense experiences, it’s normal to feel emotionally numb. While it might feel like you missed out on bonding during those early days, acceptance that your coping mechanism was necessary can help you find peace.
These are just some of the many things I felt guilty about, and I know there are countless more. The journey to accepting that you are not to blame is gradual. It unfolds slowly as you settle into life at home, allowing you to see things more clearly.
For me, writing a letter to my sons detailing my feelings of guilt was a pivotal moment in my healing process. It allowed me to release those emotions and start moving forward. Whatever method you choose to process your guilt, it’s essential to remind yourself: you are not at fault for any of this.
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In summary, it’s vital to understand that feelings of guilt and self-blame are common among mothers of preemies, but they do not reflect the truth of your situation. Accepting that you did your best under challenging circumstances is key to moving forward.