Marriage can be incredibly challenging, especially when children are involved. Recently, there’s been a growing sentiment that people today aren’t equipped to tackle these challenges and tend to throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble. I beg to differ.
While I wholeheartedly agree that marriage requires dedication, I take issue with the notion that those who go through divorce lack the commitment that happily married couples possess. Are we truly to believe that hard work guarantees success? Take the Williams sisters at the Olympics in Rio; they trained relentlessly but still faced defeat. Their hard work wasn’t the problem.
When a marriage starts to struggle, it often reveals deeper issues at play. If you’re not the root cause, finding a solution becomes incredibly difficult. When my own marriage began to unravel, a multitude of factors contributed, and very few were within my control. I mistakenly believed I could fix things: devise a plan, put in the effort, and hope for the best. I did everything I could. Perhaps some of you might question whether I truly gave it my all or did the right things. While I wasn’t perfect, hitting a few more targets wouldn’t have changed the fact that I was on the wrong team from the start. I fought valiantly for us, but he didn’t reciprocate. That doesn’t equate to my failure. How can I fail at a battle that was never mine to win?
The real failure in my marriage didn’t occur when I filed for divorce; it happened long before, as I desperately tried to avoid that outcome. The hard work I poured into the relationship continued even when every sign pointed to its futility. We often become so fixated on society’s definitions of failure that we neglect to recognize the toll the struggle takes on our well-being.
Looking back, I can see that I held on for far too long—much longer than was healthy. Even now, I’m still dealing with the repercussions. The day I left, cradling my child, marked not a defeat but a triumph. I wasn’t weak when I closed that door; I was stronger than ever.
Like many single mothers who have navigated traumatic breakups while caring for a newborn, I’ve displayed incredible resilience every single day—through the highs, lows, and especially the challenging moments. Ironically, my so-called failure was born from my unwillingness to let go. Many of us put so much effort into our marriages that we risk losing sight of ourselves. Once the marriage concludes, we often discover that a part of us has been sacrificed as well.
Divorce isn’t an easy escape. When I hear people suggest that it reflects a lack of effort, it makes me chuckle. I think of the countless women I’ve met on this divorce journey who, like me, fought tirelessly. Our stories differ, but our experiences are similar. We put everything on the line for our relationships, our partners, and our children.
It doesn’t matter whether your divorce was contentious or amicable. There’s no hierarchy in the reasons for divorce. We don’t simply walk away without looking back.
I am a divorcee, not a failure. If you are too, take comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. We’ve all faced the tears, the counseling sessions, the broken promises, and the moments of desperation. You weren’t slacking off in your marriage; you were giving it your all and more.
Choosing divorce does not equate to choosing failure. It means hitting rock bottom, but from that depth, divorce demands that you discover an extraordinary strength you didn’t know you had. It can be a long and arduous journey, but it’s one that ultimately leads to a new beginning. This unplanned path may prove to be lonelier and tougher than you ever imagined when you exchanged vows, yet it is yours to navigate.
Divorce places you back in control of your life. The new route you take holds the potential for happiness, as long as you have the strength to recognize and pursue it.
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In summary, divorce should not be viewed as a failure but rather as a courageous step toward reclaiming your life and finding your strength.