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By Emily Carter
What reasons do you have to keep going? If you’ve ever contemplated suicide, the answer might surprise you.
I was just 16 when I first lost a friend to suicide. We were both in a theater production, and while I wasn’t his leading lady, we shared many moments backstage, chatting and joking around. I had no inkling that he was struggling with dark thoughts. Our shows were on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and he took his life on Wednesday.
I replayed those days and moments in my mind countless times, trying to grasp how someone who seemed to have it all could choose to end his life. He was tall, athletic, and charming, adored by many. It baffled me that he could feel such despair.
It wasn’t until I faced my own suicidal thoughts that I truly understood the complexity of this struggle. It can manifest in those who appear to be thriving, as depression can cloud your reality, convincing you that life holds no value.
After giving birth to my second child, I fell into a deep postpartum depression. With two little ones under the age of two, both demanding my attention and care, I felt overwhelmed and guilty for not being enough. The sleep deprivation and shifting hormones pushed me closer to a breaking point.
That breaking point arrived one afternoon while I was attempting to engage my toddler in play. When he became frustrated with me, he threw himself on the floor, screaming. In a moment of panic, I reacted by throwing a wooden block back at him, hitting him in the head. The horror of that moment consumed me, and I felt like the worst mother alive. I didn’t deserve my children; I was failing them.
That night, for the first time, I considered ending my life and the suicidal thoughts lingered for nearly a year. I truly believed my kids would be better off without me. Yet, something within me resisted acting on those thoughts, like a faint shadow reminding me of my purpose. I might have been willing to die for my children, but I also found the strength to live for them, even amidst the guilt and despair.
As Martin Luther King Jr. said, “No one really knows why they are alive until they know what they’d die for.” In my case, I realized that while someone else could care for my children, nobody could love them the way I did. So, despite my imperfections, I chose to endure the pain to ensure they felt loved.
Over a decade has passed since then, and while I’m still not a perfect mom, my children know they are cherished. They’ve learned to cope with my quirks and even find humor in my maternal failings. My boys, now approaching their teenage years, are developing into remarkable young men, and I see that many of their strengths stem from the very flaws I once dreaded.
I’ve witnessed them grow into responsible individuals, taking charge of their homework and learning to cook for our family. They’ve even developed the ability to stand up for themselves when necessary. My children are flourishing not just in spite of my shortcomings but also because of them. And I’m grateful to be here to see it.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, it’s crucial to reach out for help. For those looking to explore more about pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource on fertility insurance. You can also find valuable information on at-home insemination kits here.
Remember, you are not alone, and it’s okay to seek support.