Let’s be honest: marriage can be tough. Calling it “tough” feels too simplistic; it doesn’t capture the full range of emotions that come with it—both the highs and the lows. Personally, I think my perspective on marriage may be shaped by my upbringing. I didn’t grow up witnessing a healthy relationship. My parents were often at odds, both with each other and with us kids. There was little affection, and as a child, I found myself questioning whether they truly loved one another or were simply staying together because of their beliefs.
Divorce is no walk in the park either. To me, marriage is like an abstract painting—colors splattered across a canvas with chaos and beauty intertwined. It’s open to interpretation and can be both breathtaking and mundane. Sometimes, it’s just there, and you can’t quite put your finger on it.
Perhaps it’s the negative feedback I’ve received about my own divorce that made me feel like no one wants to hear about the struggles of marriage. So, I often felt compelled to present a facade of happiness to the outside world. “Let me post some cute selfies of us and rave about how amazing our marriage is!” I needed people to believe everything was fine, even when I was terrified it wasn’t.
And surprisingly, here we are, eleven years later. I’ve previously written about our marriage heading toward failure, and it’s been on the brink of collapse multiple times. I never shared the deep conversations we’ve had, the times we both strayed out of neglect and anger, or the struggles we faced with communication. We’ve even discussed polyamory, which opened up avenues for understanding each other better. I never shared the moments of tension when we rushed to hurt one another, nor did I mention the times we’ve apologized for our mistakes. There’s a lot of shame—both self-inflicted and societal—surrounding the acknowledgment that relationships aren’t always picturesque.
At least, that’s the impression I’ve gotten from social media.
There’s nothing wrong with celebrating a good marriage; however, it becomes problematic when we start comparing ourselves to the curated snippets of others’ relationships, assuming they don’t face similar challenges. It’s equally troubling when we buy into the idea that marriages only fit into two categories: those that thrive or those that fail, with no room for the complexities in between.
I appreciate that middle ground—that’s where my marriage exists now; a space where our diverse needs and differences coexist. We aren’t thriving because we’ve found some magical solution; we’re making it work because we’ve let go of the notion that marriage needs to be flawless or conform to societal expectations. Every relationship has its own dynamics, and that’s perfectly okay.
So, can we all agree that marriage is a challenge in its own right?
This article was originally published on Sep. 6, 2016.
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In summary, marriage can be a complex journey filled with ups and downs. It’s essential to acknowledge the challenges while also recognizing that every relationship is unique. Embracing the nuances allows us to navigate marriage with honesty and authenticity.