Today, I sent my youngest son off to kindergarten. I had anticipated feeling ecstatic about this milestone, especially since he’s my little “busy bee.” My days with him often consist of damage control, or as I like to call it, “redirecting.” By the time evening rolls around, I’m usually exhausted and sometimes on the brink of tears. The thought of having a few hours each day to just breathe is such a relief. I can finally enjoy normal outings with my youngest daughter, like trips to the museum or casual walks in the park, without feeling like I’m constantly on high alert for potential chaos.
As I tucked him into bed last night, he started asking the usual questions any child about to start school might have.
“Will I have to bring my school supplies home every day?”
“No, sweetheart. They’ll stay at school.”
“What if I have homework?”
“You’ll bring home any work that needs to be done at home, and we have everything else you need right here.”
“What if I need scissors?”
“We have those here, honey.”
“Where?”
“I’m not going to tell you right now. I’ll get them when we need them.”
“What if my teacher yells at me?”
“Why would your teacher yell at you?”
“Because I’m bad. I’m always bad. What if she hates me?”
Wait, what? I never realized he felt this way about himself. Sure, he’s often reminded of the household rules, and yes, he probably spends more time in his room than his siblings do, but never have we labeled him as “bad.” My husband and I consciously try to respond positively to his behavior, even when things go awry, like when his little sister walks in sporting a Sharpie mustache. We reward his good actions with stickers and praise, reminding him how much we love him and how lucky we are to be his parents. Yet, he still sees himself as a “bad” kid, and hearing him say that broke my heart.
He’s so young and already showing signs of self-shaming, which often accompanies the challenges of ADHD. My little boy, with his adorable blue eyes and kind spirit, is the same child who covers his sister with a blanket when she falls asleep on the couch and cheers loudly for his brother at baseball games. He’s also the one who dances around his room, singing his favorite songs when he thinks no one is watching. But somehow, he believes he deserves “hate” from his new teacher.
As I watched him walk toward the giant doors of the school, I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. When did those doors become so massive? He blended into the crowd of students, dwarfed by his oversized backpack and the older kids surrounding him.
He didn’t look back, my brave little man. I know he’s anxious, but he bravely stepped into this new chapter. I hope this world will embrace him for who he truly is, recognizing the kind-hearted boy who once dashed two blocks to check on his brother after a bike fall.
As I walked back to my car, tears streamed down my face. “What’s wrong, Mommy?” my daughter asked.
I took a moment to collect myself and managed to say, “I’m just going to miss that boy so much.”
With her sweet, understanding eyes, she replied, “I know, Mommy. He’s my best boy. I will really miss my good boy.”
Oh, how I wish the world could see him the way we do.
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In summary, sending a child off to kindergarten is a bittersweet moment for any parent, especially one navigating ADHD. It’s crucial to support and encourage our children, helping them see their worth beyond any labels they might place on themselves. As they step into new environments, we hope they find acceptance and kindness.