To my beloved partner,
This morning started with our little one’s finger poking my nose, her head resting on mine, and let’s just say, her breath was not the most refreshing wake-up call. Today has been filled with a whirlwind of kids clambering over me, tugging at my clothes, and—let’s be honest—transferring all sorts of fluids onto me. From pokes to squeezes, and even the occasional sneeze, it’s like I’m trapped in a never-ending hug from an octopus.
While I adore you, I kindly request that you keep your charming hands to yourself for a moment. I truly need some PERSONAL SPACE before I can shift from the role of mom to that of wife. So, before you cue the romantic tunes, consider the following:
- It may be date night, but our kids spent a solid few minutes today pinching my stretched-out belly button before I realized I was holding a diaper filled with who-knows-what. So, perhaps hold your horses for a bit.
- It may be date night, but I haven’t even had a moment to pee since waking up. And during my one trip to the bathroom, our newly potty-trained child decided to join me and generously offered to help. Let’s just pause while I erase that mental image.
- It may be date night, but I’m still in the same bra from yesterday, which I inadvertently fell asleep in. To top it off, the baby decided to spit up into my cleavage, and I completely forgot about it. So, I need a moment to regroup, and maybe even consider burning the Victoria’s Secret catalog that’s been tainted with orange macaroni dust.
- It may be date night, but our daughter used my arm as a tissue today and then claimed it was mashed bananas. (Spoiler: It was not.) So, maybe let’s keep a little distance until I can scrub both my arm and that memory clean.
- It may be date night, but I spent 85 percent of my day on my knees. And no, it wasn’t for any romantic reason; I was busy scraping dried pasta sauce off the floor and gathering what felt like a billion sensory beans. So, as alluring as my holey mom pants may be, I could use a breather.
- It may be date night, but that wild look in my eyes? Yep, that’s from too many toys that light up, honk, or sing “Let It Go” in a language I don’t understand. So don’t be surprised if you find me cornered in the dark, muttering to myself instead of engaging in romantic banter.
- It may be date night, but I cooked three meals today while juggling a toddler wrapped around my leg, a baby on my hip tugging at my hair, and a middle child crying for attention. For dessert, I think I’ll just indulge in some peaceful silence—make it a double.
- It may be date night, but I just finally got the baby down for a nap after a lengthy negotiation with the universe to keep her asleep. If she wakes up, I’ll likely have to nurse her again, and let’s just say my patience has reached its limit. So, how about we keep it quiet for, I don’t know, six more hours?
I love you, and you’re incredibly attractive, but tonight, our kids were so all over me that they might as well have been attached to me. I need to recharge before I can look into those dreamy eyes and think of anything other than how wonderful it would be to just close my eyes and drift off.
So for now, let’s sip on some wine and enjoy strawberries that haven’t been chopped into tiny pieces. Let’s sit by the fire and reminisce about the love that brought us together all those years ago. Hold me close tonight, and shield me from the toddler who loves to jump on my face at 3 a.m.
Thanks for your understanding. Here’s to a Happy Date Night!
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Summary
This humorous yet relatable piece captures the chaos of parenting and the struggle to transition from mom to wife, especially on date night. With witty observations and a heartfelt plea for personal space, it highlights the challenges of balancing family life while still nurturing a romantic relationship.
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