When my son was a toddler, he was an enthusiastic kisser, showering me with big, sloppy smooches on my lips, cheek, and even my forehead. I adored those moments, especially when he would plead, “One more kiss, Mom! Just one more!” He spread his affection around, kissing grandparents, friends, his toys, and even the occasional stranger at the grocery store when I wasn’t paying attention.
As he grew into elementary school, those big kisses morphed into hugs, which felt like a natural progression. At six years old, it made sense to me that he wouldn’t want to kiss his teachers on the lips. However, he still managed to sneak in pecks on my cheek before bed and throughout the day. But recently, I’ve noticed a shift: those kisses have dwindled to mere pecks on the cheek. I found myself insisting, “Come give your momma a real kiss!” Only to receive light kisses on my forehead or cheek in return.
At first, I brushed it off as a phase—perhaps he was becoming more self-conscious as he approached eight years old. Yet, I realized he was also pulling back from hugging friends. When I would greet our guests with a warm hug and encourage him to do the same, he would often comply only after some coaxing.
I initially interpreted his reluctance to hug as rudeness, similar to when I remind him to say “please” and he forgets. I was adamant about the importance of showing affection. But then it hit me: I’m a natural hugger. I hug everyone, including strangers I meet in the aisles of stores, and I’ve always greeted my parents with a kiss. Just because I’m that way doesn’t mean my son has to be.
I remembered a moment from my best friend’s wedding. Upon seeing the Maid of Honor, I rushed to hug her, and she responded, “Oh, right, you’re a hugger!” It dawned on me that not everyone shares my inclination for physical affection.
Understanding this about my son was enlightening. He clearly values his personal space and isn’t comfortable with me deciding who he should hug. To address this, I decided to have an open conversation. A few nights ago, I invited him to sit with me and reassured him that there were no wrong answers to my question.
“Are you comfortable giving hugs and kisses?” I asked. He hesitated, unsure how to respond. I encouraged him to speak freely. “Sometimes I want to hug people, but not always,” he confessed. “Is that mean?”
That question struck me deeply. I realized my pressure had led him to feel guilty about his own boundaries. I told him, “I was wrong to make you hug anyone. Your body belongs to you, and you have the right to decide who gets to touch it.”
He asked, “But if you hug someone and I don’t want to, does that make me mean?” I reassured him, “Not at all. It just means you have your own boundaries, and that’s perfectly okay. If you want to hug someone, it’s fine to ask first. And if you don’t want to, you can say no.”
We spoke about respecting personal space and how to communicate his feelings. I emphasized that he should always feel empowered to express his comfort level and that I would support him no matter what.
Raising children is an enlightening journey. Many say my son and I are alike, but this experience taught me that our children can have their own unique perspectives and boundaries that differ from ours.
I realized I had been overlooking the importance of respecting my child’s choices. Now, when I greet someone with a hug, he knows he can choose a handshake or a friendly word instead.
For more insights and resources about parenting and respecting boundaries, check out this article and this excellent resource on pregnancy.
Summary
This article reflects on a mother’s realization about respecting her child’s boundaries regarding physical affection. Initially eager for her son to embrace hugs and kisses as she does, she learned to appreciate his need for personal space. Through an open discussion, she reassures him that it’s perfectly acceptable to express discomfort with physical touch, reinforcing the importance of understanding and respecting individual boundaries in relationships.