I can only imagine how amazing it must feel to have a penis. If I had one, I’d probably be tempted to show it off and play around with it just like you do. But as your mom, I have a responsibility to teach you the proper times and places for when you can “let it loose.” Given the many locations where I’ve caught you relieving yourselves, it’s clear I need to clarify some things. So, hear me out, and really let this sink in:
Just because you can pee wherever you want doesn’t mean you should.
I get that it’s super convenient to urinate without having to search for a clean, safe toilet. Trust me, I’ve been there — when we’re on a long drive and the baby finally falls asleep, and there’s a spare cup within reach. But most of the time, you’re close to an actual restroom. So, there’s really no need to pee in — or from — any of the following places:
- Our front yard
- The neighbor’s yard
- The street drain
- Parks
- Playgrounds
- Off the porch
- The side of the house
- The cat’s litter box
- Potted plants
- Flower beds
- Coffee cups
- Water guns (especially if they’re left sitting until the pee goes bad)
I’m not trying to be harsh here. Even someone without a penis like me understands the allure of having a portable hose attached to you. It takes a lot of self-control not to give in to the temptation of peeing wherever you want. Unfortunately, this is a lesson you’ll need to learn — unless you want to end up in trouble someday.
To make it a little less painful, I’ll say this: I might let you pee your name in the snow occasionally, because let’s be honest, that sounds like fun! But only if it’s out of sight, and that’s it.
When you’re not near a snowy patch, there’s a great place to aim — the toilet. Try to hit the water. If you want to make it more exciting, toss in a few Cheerios first. I’d rather sacrifice a tiny bit of cereal than deal with the embarrassment of seeing you drop your pants in public or discovering pee in places where it absolutely doesn’t belong. I’m not trying to ruin your fun; I’m just fulfilling my duty as a parent to teach you an important lesson you seem to be struggling with.
Oh, and speaking of lessons, please add “anything made of cloth or paper” to the list of prohibited places for urination.
With all my love,
Mom
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In summary, it’s crucial for my boys to understand that while they may have the ability to pee anywhere, it’s essential to find appropriate places for it. Learning this lesson will help them avoid future embarrassment and trouble.