Parenting Insights
By Ava Johnson
Updated: September 10, 2023
Originally Published: March 5, 2012
During World War II, my great aunt married a young soldier while still a teenager, only to see him shipped off to war. Their paths soon diverged, leading her to marry the man who would stand by her side for over 50 years. Back then, divorce was often a hushed affair, shrouded in secrecy and stigma. By the time she confided in her second husband and children about her past, she was nearing the end of her life, and they were left stunned, grappling with the revelation that their mother had hidden a significant part of her history. Why keep it a secret? What drove her to conceal such an important truth for so long?
Secrets like these can feel like ticking time bombs in the heart, a constant source of anxiety about when the truth will surface. Even today, the remnants of shame associated with divorce linger, often masked by bravado and a veneer of openness.
For example, after the holidays, I met up for coffee with a new friend, Lisa, a successful executive and mother of two, who exudes elegance. We were sharing bits of our lives, cautiously revealing our stories. As we chatted, she mentioned, “I was divorced and this is my second marriage,” almost in a single breath, her expression betraying an expectation of judgment.
“I’ve been divorced too,” I replied softly, and relief washed over her face; she felt understood.
My four-year-old son was beside me, engrossed in a puzzle. He might not have registered the word “divorce,” or perhaps his mind tucked it away for later reflection. I don’t shy away from the term, yet he hasn’t inquired about it yet—thankfully. However, the reality looms: I will need to explain divorce to him, including the fact that I was divorced prior to meeting his father.
Even a decade later, the label of being divorced can still feel like a glaring mark of failure, a sentiment I see echoed in the faces of countless individuals who have navigated similar waters. They cautiously unveil their pasts, revealing glimpses of an invisible scarlet letter and anxiously awaiting your reaction.
My mother-in-law, whom I greatly admire, has strongly encouraged me to discuss my past with my son sooner rather than later. She believes that it’s jarring for a child to grow up with a specific understanding of marriage, only to discover that their beliefs were based on half-truths. She knows this from personal experience; she learned about her father’s previous marriage and divorce only after graduating high school.
She shared that it took her a long time to realize that her father’s past didn’t change who he was; it was simply a part of his life story.
If you search online for guidance on discussing divorce with children, you’ll find extensive resources focused on how to manage a divorce from a child’s parent. However, there’s a noticeable lack of advice on how to explain to a child that you had a different life before they were born, or that love isn’t always permanent. To gain insight, I consulted my friend, Dr. Sarah Thompson, a family psychologist.
“Revealing to our children that we were once married to someone else often stresses the parent more than the child,” she explained. “It’s usually best to weave this into your family narrative before the child feels that anything was hidden. Secrets can pose greater risks to a child’s sense of security and well-being than the truth.”
This is precisely my goal. However, the thought of casually stating, “Mommy had another husband,” feels forced and awkward. I’ve discarded all traces of my past, including wedding photos, after my ex-husband left. And if I begin talking about divorce, should I delve into the domestic violence and the other woman involved? Deciding how much information to share will require sensitivity to my son’s emotional maturity. There’s a fine line between full disclosure and sharing information that he can comprehend.
Dr. Thompson further suggested that I wait for a natural moment to introduce the topic—perhaps during a conversation about divorce or when he inquires about life before he was born.
“For complex topics like this, it’s best to provide concise, factual statements and observe if he has any follow-up questions,” she advised. “You could say, ‘I was married to someone else a long time ago, before I met your dad.’ See how he reacts. He may have immediate questions or may not think about it again until months later.”
As he matures, I might share more about my experience with divorce—how it left me feeling defeated and pushed me to my limits, even resulting in a significant weight loss due to stress. I want to convey the shame and pain I felt, but also the honesty that divorce can happen, and it does not define one’s worth. I hope to stand by him without judgment, just as my parents did for me.
Honestly, I wish I didn’t have to have this conversation. Yet, it’s an integral part of my journey that has shaped who I am today. Most importantly, I want him to understand that while divorce is part of my past, it doesn’t define me. I want him to know that life can be tough, but good things are still possible, and love is always out there, waiting.
If you’re interested in learning more about similar topics, check out this related blog post, which delves into personal growth and relationships after life changes. And if you’re considering at-home insemination options, makeamom.com offers reliable kits that can help. For more extensive information on pregnancy and home insemination, News-Medical is an excellent resource.
In summary, discussing past relationships and divorce with children is a delicate yet essential conversation. It’s vital to approach it with honesty and sensitivity, ensuring children feel secure and understood.
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