On a recent morning, I received a call from my daughter Mia’s math teacher. She was reaching out because she was worried that Mia was struggling in math, a subject she usually excels in and enjoys. The teacher noticed that Mia had been tearful during class and appeared to shut down when more challenging concepts were introduced. We agreed I would talk to her, and when I did, I was taken aback by her response.
Mia confided that she felt too scared to tell her teacher she didn’t understand the material. She said it was easier to sit quietly and cry than to ask for clarification. She expressed embarrassment about raising her hand in front of the class. Then, she said something that nearly broke my heart: “Mom, I’m just not strong like you. I don’t know how to speak up when I need to.”
In that moment, it hit me that while my daughter is the child of a confident woman, I had assumed she would naturally find her own voice. As I comforted her, I recognized that the ability to express oneself is a skill that needs to be nurtured. I realized I hadn’t equipped Mia with the tools to advocate for herself, and it was time to change that. I want her to stand up for herself and express her needs assertively, just as I taught her how to ride a bike and tie her shoes. Here’s my plan:
1. Encourage Her to Stop Apologizing Excessively
I’m not suggesting that Mia should stop apologizing when she genuinely hurts someone’s feelings. However, I want her to eliminate phrases like “I’m sorry but…” and “Sorry to bother you…” from her vocabulary. I want her to understand that her thoughts are valid, and she shouldn’t feel the need to downplay her contributions in conversations.
2. Empower Her to Question Authority
If Mia feels wronged, whether on the playground or in class, I want her to find the courage to voice her feelings, even if it means confronting an adult. I want her to articulate her anger and clearly express when she is upset. Learning to speak up in small situations will prepare her to advocate for herself in more significant matters, like negotiating for a raise in the future.
3. Teach Her That She Doesn’t Owe Anyone a Smile
When Mia walks down the street feeling confident, I want her to know she’s not obligated to smile or respond to anyone who catcalls her. She should own her body and decide how to react when she’s approached. It’s perfectly okay for her to have bad days and not feel compelled to put on a happy face for others.
4. Instill the Importance of Not Staying Silent
There was an incident when a stranger approached Mia while she was out for a walk. Although her instincts told her something was off, she prioritized politeness over her gut feelings. Since then, we’ve practiced assertive responses she can use if she ever feels threatened. We’ve worked on developing a strong voice that she can use to protect herself.
5. Help Her Find Her Community
Recently, I took Mia to a book release party for her favorite series. When she saw others dressed like her, she lit up and exclaimed, “These are my people!” I want her to always recognize her supportive circle, the individuals who uplift her and help her thrive. Life is too short to surround herself with those who don’t enrich her experience; I hope she cherishes her tribe.
A few weeks after she confided in me about her struggles in math class, Mia raced into the kitchen after school, beaming with her math test in hand. She had achieved a perfect score! As I hugged her, my heart swelled when she declared, “I’m going to speak up more often, Mom! This feels amazing.”
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Summary
Empowering your daughter to express herself confidently involves teaching her to stop excessive apologies, question authority, own her reactions, speak up when necessary, and recognize her supportive community. As she grows, these skills will equip her to navigate the world assertively and with assurance.