A while back, I penned an article titled “Why Moms Sometimes Need a Break from Touch.” In it, I explored how my partner, Sarah, occasionally feels “touched out.” At that time, we were wrangling three young kids—ages 7, 4, and 1—and after a day filled with tiny hands tugging at her, all Sarah wanted was a moment alone without anyone needing her.
This created a bit of a dilemma for us. By the end of the day, I often craved a hug or a kiss from Sarah. While my younger self might have viewed that as a prelude to something more, in my 30s, it simply meant wanting to connect for a brief moment.
I remember feeling puzzled when Sarah would distance herself after a hectic day with the kids. I thought, “I’m the one she loves; we’ve been together for years!” I often found myself questioning if her reluctance to embrace me meant our relationship was faltering. Friends who have divorced sometimes say, “We just fell out of love,” leaving me to wonder what that truly means and if it looks like your partner not wanting to be touched.
Then Sarah shared a moment of clarity with me: “It’s not you,” she reassured. “I love you and the kids, but after a day of holding a sick baby and comforting a whiny toddler, I just need a little space. The kids have been all over me, and I feel overwhelmed.” She took a deep breath and continued, explaining how the constant physical demands of parenting made her long for a reprieve from touch. “At the end of the day, I need at least an hour where no one is touching me. It’s not that I don’t love you; it’s just sensory overload.”
This conversation was a revelation for me as both a father and a partner. I had never personally experienced that kind of sensory overload, and I couldn’t fathom how someone could feel so overwhelmed by touch that even their beloved partner felt like too much.
However, it took me some time to truly grasp this concept. Over the past year, there have been numerous occasions when I came home after a long day, eager to greet Sarah with a short hug and kiss, only to find her pulling away. My initial reaction was always to take it personally. But eventually, I learned to step back, remember our earlier conversation, and understand that she needed that touch-free time.
It’s often said that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, and it’s true—much of understanding your partner revolves around communicating needs and emotions. In this case, the solution was recognizing that a mother sometimes requires a moment to recharge.
Honestly, I may never fully comprehend the sensation of being “touched out.” While I was a stay-at-home dad for a while, I didn’t experience the same kind of overwhelm. Nevertheless, that doesn’t prevent me from empathizing with Sarah and supporting her needs.
I’ve made it a point to give her space when she needs it and to keep the kids occupied when I can see she’s had enough. My love language is touch; there’s a unique connection I feel from Sarah that I’ve never felt with anyone else. So, it’s challenging when I can’t freely touch her all the time. I don’t cling to her the way the kids do, but I do enjoy those little moments of connection after a long day.
Interestingly, by giving Sarah the space she requires, I’ve noticed that she often finds her way back to me. She reaches out for affection in ways that remind me of our pre-kid days, and it feels incredible. Traditionally, men are expected to initiate physical affection, but it’s nice to sometimes be on the receiving end. Before kids, Sarah would lean in for kisses, but after they arrived, that seemed to fade. I initially worried that we were falling out of love, but I’ve come to realize that it was simply the demands of parenting that pulled at her throughout the day, leaving her needing a brief pause to reset. Just an hour or so of quiet can work wonders for her to regain her sense of self.
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Summary
Understanding the concept of “touch-free time” can be crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship, especially when parenting young children. Recognizing a partner’s need for space after long days filled with demands can strengthen connections and improve emotional well-being.