Recently, it was time for my annual Pap smear, and after months of putting it off, I finally scheduled an appointment. On the big day, I went above and beyond in my preparation, grooming more meticulously than I ever did during my single days. Still, I was pretty sure that my efforts would go unnoticed by a doctor who sees lady parts all day long. But considering the horror if he encountered the wild jungle I normally sport down there, I felt it was necessary to tidy up. With a mixture of confidence and anxiety, I arrived, knowing that I usually make my partner treat me to a cocktail or two before he’s allowed to inspect the area below the belt. I greeted the receptionist with a smile, all the while trying to distract myself from the fact that I’d forgotten to shave my legs.
As I walked with the nurse into the exam room, my mind was filled with a whirlwind of thoughts. From the embarrassment of stepping on the scale to the dreaded question about my weekly alcohol intake, it was clear this visit would be anything but comfortable. Add being stark naked under a flimsy paper blanket and tools that would make any man cringe, and each visit to my gynecologist feels like an exercise in humiliation.
I can’t be the only one who thinks the following things during these appointments:
- Why don’t they serve mimosas here?
- Uh-oh, I just went to the bathroom! No urine sample for me, sorry.
- That weight can’t be right! Subtract 10 pounds for my boots and jeans, please!
- How much alcohol do I drink? Does she mean glasses or bottles?
- I saw that eyebrow raise, Nurse. Yes, I’m definitely lying about the wine!
- Recreational drugs? Oh, how I wish!
- There should be a countdown clock in here to let me know when the doctor will arrive and see me completely exposed.
- Yikes, I forgot to shave my legs!
- Why aren’t there pictures of Chris Hemsworth and Justin Timberlake on the walls instead of these headless diagrams of pregnant women?
- Ah-choo! Great, now the exam table is damp.
- It’s freezing in here; my nipples could cut glass!
- Oh look, the doctor’s here, and oh no, he’s shaking my hand. How many vaginas has he examined today?
- Sexually active? Try actively avoiding it, doc!
- At least he won’t shame me for not flossing regularly.
- What kind of birth control? Um, my four kids?
- Sure, I do breast self-exams daily! Just as often as I floss, ha!
- Questions? None that I wouldn’t rather discuss with my best friend. My hoo-ha being as dry as the Sahara can wait.
- Wow, my breasts are huge and saggy. Why am I just now noticing hair around my nipples?
- Why is the nurse silent? Can’t she just say something to lighten the mood?
- I should have kept my socks on.
- No, I cannot scoot down further. If I do, you’ll need milk with that cookie, doc!
- We’ve gone to the moon, but they still can’t warm the lube gel? Seriously?
- Is now a good time to mention I could actually provide that urine sample?
- Oh great, he’s telling me about his family trip to Disney while he’s doing… that.
- I really need a pedicure.
- Don’t fart, don’t fart, don’t fart… A little pressure? Seriously, it feels like he’s trying to shove a watermelon up there!
- If he says, “Houston, we have a problem,” I’m going to kick him.
- Why aren’t there posters of Chris Hemsworth and Justin Timberlake on the ceiling?
- Don’t sneeze, don’t sneeze, don’t sneeze… Easy there, doc, that Q-tip doesn’t need to come out of my mouth.
- Seriously, I have to pee.
- Oh, everything looks fine? Phew, I’m proud of my cervix for working well.
- Yes, I look forward to next year’s visit too. The pleasure of having my insides examined by a man who isn’t my husband was all mine. Really.
- Where’s my underwear? It was right here!
- Do I toss the paper blanket? Leave it on the short bed?
- Ah-choo! Well, there goes that urine sample.
As embarrassing as these visits can be, they would be a whole lot worse if the doctor could read my mind. But then again, even if he could, at least my thoughts would be clearer than when I’m at the dentist.
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In summary, visiting the gynecologist is often a mix of anxiety and awkwardness, filled with thoughts we all share. From concerns about our bodies to humorous distractions, the experience is relatable, and we could all use a little humor to lighten the mood.