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Pregnancy
The Birth Plan I Wish I Had Written
by Lily Harper
Updated: July 2, 2020
Originally Published: Aug. 11, 2016
Recently, while engaging in the rare act of cleaning, I stumbled upon something I wish I could have left buried forever—a relic from my past: my birth plan. As I read through my extensive list of preferences—natural birth, serene atmosphere, soft lighting—I couldn’t help but cringe. Did I really need to fill two whole pages with requests?
This led me to dream about a more relatable birth plan, and here’s what I wish I had put together:
Oh wow! I’m about to have a baby!
Yes, I’m in labor, but I’m sure you’ve figured that out by now. I’ve thought carefully about what I hope for during this experience and even typed out my requests for you!
- First off, let’s get one thing straight: I really don’t know how to poop. Honestly. I’m always constipated! So please, don’t tell me to push like I’m trying to poop. When I’m ready, the process is quick, trust me.
- And if an accident happens and I do poop on the table, could you keep that from me? Maybe distract my partner so he doesn’t see it either? I’d like to keep some dignity and mystery in our relationship!
- I’m a screamer. I’ve brought earplugs for the nurses, so please make sure they use them. I can also provide headache meds if necessary!
- Don’t hand me a mirror unless it’s to check for food in my teeth or if I need fresh lipstick. I’d rather not see my body in its less-than-flattering state during childbirth.
- I’m not a fan of spinal needles. I don’t like them at all! But I’m open to laughing gas—bring it on!
- I can be quite indecisive. So, apologies in advance if I can’t choose between ice chips or water, walking or squatting, lying down or bouncing on a ball.
- I want to breastfeed my baby. I’ve done my homework, but I might need some encouragement. I’ve even packed pom-poms for cheerleading—feel free to get creative!
- Please don’t give my baby a pacifier. This isn’t about nipple confusion (whatever that means). I’m just thinking ahead—who wants to deal with weaning off a pacifier later?
- I’d like to order five cases of those mesh panties I’ve heard so much about—apparently, they’re a must-have after birth!
- Lastly, I’d love to take advantage of the “give birth and get a vasectomy” special for my husband. Can we schedule his procedure a few hours after I’m settled in with the baby? He can have laughing gas, though!
Congratulations! You’ve made it to the end of my birth plan! You deserve a medal for reading this far.
Now for the most critical part. This is important, so pay attention. You see countless plans like this every year, filled with hopes and dreams, and you play a vital role in making them come true. Your kindness, support, and expertise mean everything to us. Thank you for being there for my husband and me as we welcome our little one into the world.
Here’s a coffee card for you to share with the rest of the team—today’s caffeine is on me!
If you’re interested in more about home insemination, check out this informative post: Intracervical Insemination. Plus, for anyone looking for more resources on pregnancy, look no further than Make a Mom, who are experts in the field. Also, for those curious about fertility insurance, UCSF offers invaluable insights.
In summary, this is a lighthearted take on what a birth plan could look like when you embrace the chaos and humor of bringing a new life into the world.