I’ve found that my sanity relies on having two families. Like everyone, I have my birth family and my in-laws, but I also have another family that I’ve chosen. This group isn’t defined by blood or obligation; we came together by choice. While I didn’t select my birth family, I deliberately sought out this surrogate family, and for that, I feel incredibly fortunate.
Before kids came into the picture, my close friends were my lifeline. No crisis felt insurmountable with best friends and biological family by my side. Whether it was your parents helping after a car accident or your best friend standing by you at your wedding, the support system seemed complete. Friends cheered you up with ice cream after a breakup, and they were always there to lend an ear or a hand. But then parenthood arrived.
Initially, my parents and in-laws were a source of support, offering advice on everything from sleep routines to feeding practices. They cooked meals and held the baby while I took a much-needed shower. However, I felt an immense pressure to maintain the same hosting duties I had before—cleaning and cooking—now while navigating the chaos of new motherhood. Their help felt more like an obligation than a relief.
At the same time, I was determined to raise my child according to my beliefs and values. I had clear ideas about feeding, sleep training, and even circumcision, which often contradicted how I was raised. The realization that I didn’t want to replicate my parents’ methods fueled my frustration. I wanted to create a nurturing environment without their influence looming over me.
And as for my friends, many seemed out of touch. They arrived with well-meaning but often impractical gifts—like oversized stuffed animals and quirky baby clothes—before disappearing back into their social lives. Meanwhile, I was left with an irritable newborn who had just created a mess.
But then I remembered that one friend, Sarah, who had a baby a year prior. She reached out first, bringing over a homemade meal and some simple onesies. Sarah was genuinely interested in my experiences and provided the support I desperately needed. She held the baby while I showered, introduced me to baby-wearing techniques, and even took me to Target to help me break out of the house.
With newfound courage, I ventured to local mother support groups and met several other moms navigating similar challenges. We exchanged numbers and arranged playdates at coffee shops, bonding over the shared joys and woes of motherhood. These friendships flourished, and many of those women remain close friends today.
I also have childless friends who seamlessly adapted to my new lifestyle. They might not change diapers, but they’re always there for movie nights and babysitting when necessary. The kids adore them, and as the years go by, these friendships only deepen.
If you’re extremely lucky, you might find an older couple who adores your children as if they were their own. These surrogate “aunts” and “uncles” can offer advice without the emotional baggage that comes from family dynamics. They share your interests and genuinely care about your kids.
Having a second family—a community, a tribe—is invaluable. Your biological family plays an essential role, but the additional support from those bound by love rather than blood enriches your life and your children’s lives. These are the people who provide chicken soup when you’re sick and who step in at a moment’s notice when you need help. You need these connections, and equally, they need you.
For more insights into family dynamics and parenting, check out our blog post on surrogate families. If you’re interested in further exploring topics related to parenting, visit Make A Mom for resources on starting your own family. Additionally, Mount Sinai offers excellent resources for those navigating the journey of pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, creating a network of support beyond your immediate family can significantly enhance your happiness and parenting experience. By cultivating these relationships, you enrich not only your life but also the lives of your children.