At 8:30 a.m., while my friends are busy in their offices sifting through emails and enjoying their coffee, I find myself in a battle with toddlers over their jackets and shoes as we prepare to head out. My partner, Mia, and I have three kids aged 7, 5, and 2. I’m a freelance writer working from home in comfortable clothes, but I also take on the role of dropping off and picking up the kids.
We used to joke about her being the primary breadwinner, but then reality hit. After I lost my job at a marketing firm during the recession—soon after our eldest was born—I transitioned to writing full-time. Mia, with her MBA and ambitious spirit, never envisioned a life at home, while I was more open to flipping the traditional script. Over the years, she has climbed the corporate ladder and now holds a significant position at a tech company.
However, every time Mia heads off to work in her professional attire, I can’t help but feel a twinge of envy. She enjoys a consistent 8 to 10 hours at her job each day, while I often have to cut my work short to pick up the kids. And before anyone suggests I just get a different job, we simply can’t afford a nanny. In the chaos of life, someone has to be around for doctor appointments and school early dismissals.
Juggling fatherhood with a career can be challenging, yet the number of dads stepping into the primary caregiver role is on the rise. A Pew Research Center study from 2014 revealed that the number of stay-at-home dads has nearly doubled since 1989, reaching 2 million—though that still only accounts for 16% of all stay-at-home parents. Additionally, around 15% of families now have married mothers who out-earn their spouses.
Being the main parent has its perks. My kids greet me with excited hugs at daycare and come running to me when they have little accidents. During fun times at the playground or while crafting together at home, I often reflect on the joy of being a stay-at-home dad. But then I remember the financial necessity and my desire for a fulfilling career.
Mia’s job may pay better, but it comes with its own sacrifices. She often works long hours and takes work home, sending emails during dinner and logging on late at night. Sheryl Sandberg’s advice to women in her book Lean In—“What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”—only goes so far for those who aren’t at the top of the corporate ladder.
I admit I struggle with insecurity about Mia being the primary provider. We both grew up with stay-at-home moms and hardworking dads who were rarely home. A part of me still clings to the notion that I should be the one bringing in the income.
Our discussions often turn into disputes about who takes the kids to activities like tee-ball or ballet. We strive for balance, but sometimes it’s just easier for one parent to take the lead. That doesn’t stop me from feeling frustrated when I see dirty dishes piled up in the sink, reminding me of a messy roommate situation.
It’s not just the fear of becoming irrelevant that weighs on me; it’s also the monthly budget that resembles a horror scene. I constantly try to save some money for my IRA before it disappears into essential purchases for the kids.
Recently, I’ve made an effort to push aside my worries and fully immerse myself in family life. Even on days when I’ve only accomplished a few tasks, my children help me shift into the parenting mindset. My middle son, Alex, races down the driveway with a kite, my eldest daughter, Sophie, shares stories from her favorite book, and my youngest, Liam, wants to play games on my lap.
These moments remind me that this is what I wanted—what I still desire. You don’t have to choose between parenting and a career; it’s all about accepting that your path may just take a little longer for now. For more insights on navigating parenting and careers, you might want to check out this blog post on intracervicalinsemination.com.
In summary, being a stay-at-home dad can come with insecurities, particularly regarding traditional gender roles and financial contributions. It’s crucial to find joy in the moments spent with children and maintain a balance that works for the family.