I pursued my university and graduate studies nearly 700 miles away from my hometown. My partner, Alex, started grad school 400 miles from his close-knit family. Neither of us anticipated living so far from our loved ones, but after meeting and marrying, I stepped away from my Ph.D. program. As we decided to start a family while Alex continued his studies and teaching, we bought a home and established our roots in a quaint southern city, far from our parents.
Now, we find ourselves caught in a challenging tug-of-war between our two extended families, each vying for our limited time. Initially, we tried to accommodate everyone. Before having kids, our Christmas routine involved traveling to my parents’ house for a week, where I would assist my mom in preparing traditional pastries. This would culminate in the revered Slovak dinner on Christmas Eve, complete with wafers broken, a seat reserved for God, and dishes served one after another. After indulging in my dad’s liquor, we would stumble into Midnight Mass. Come Christmas morning, we would pack up and embark on a 350-mile journey to Alex’s family, where we rushed to open gifts before diving into a feast fit for hobbits, all while our dogs were kenneled and our home was left empty, turning our Christmas tree into a potential fire hazard. The holiday season became a source of dread.
Once our children arrived, I resolved to prioritize our needs over anyone else’s traditions. I established some ground rules. For my eldest son’s birth, I decided we would welcome family one at a time, beginning with mine five days later. They came, marveled at the baby, and left. Alex’s family visited nine days after the birth. While not everyone was thrilled, I held firm on the boundaries I set.
This approach proved effective, leading to more frequent visits to Alex’s family, who lived just five hours away. My parents’ place, however, required a ten-hour trek, and I wasn’t eager to undertake that journey with a baby. We simply chose not to visit. My mother was understandably upset; she envisioned a grand celebration to introduce Blaise to the family, complete with cake and balloons, but I had to prioritize our little one’s needs.
Over the years, we also opted to spend two weeks at Nags Head with Alex’s family, a cherished tradition that spans over four decades. Our three sons enjoyed playing with their cousins on the beach. One year, we tried to juggle visits with both families, staying at my parents’ new home without air conditioning for ten days before heading to Alex’s for a few days and then Nags Head. We were away for nearly a month, resulting in exorbitant kennel fees and a broken antique gaming table due to a careless housesitter. I promised never to repeat that experience.
The next time we visited my parents, we limited our stay to six days, spending a few extra days with Alex’s family on either end. Despite their pleas to stay longer, we remained resolute, ignoring offers like my parents’ mountain cabin and trips to Colonial Williamsburg. We wanted to avoid a repeat of our previous ordeal.
Currently, my mother is disappointed we aren’t visiting this summer. We’ve already traveled to the mountains, Alex’s parents, and Nags Head, leaving us with no time for another trip. I’ve made it clear that I won’t subject myself to another long car ride; we need to be at home. I kindly but firmly told her that we couldn’t manage another trip and suggested she come visit us instead.
We do extend an open invitation for family to visit us. My mother often comes down when her schedule allows, and we cherish those moments together. She enjoys house hunting, and we have fun thrifting while she plays with the kids, who adore her. Alex’s parents sometimes meet us halfway, engaging our kids with trips to museums and zoos. When they visit our home, they enjoy watching football and stay in a hotel, as we lack the space. My mom stays with us, and if that ever becomes a problem, we’ll communicate that clearly. With three young children, three dogs, limited finances, and various health concerns, it makes more sense for family to visit us.
Balancing two very devoted families is quite the challenge, but we’ve discovered that setting clear boundaries helps everyone adjust to our way of doing things. Our children’s well-being is our top priority, along with my peace of mind, which is crucial for our family to thrive. No more stressing ourselves to keep everyone happy.
If you’re looking for more insights on family and parenting, check out this resource on pregnancy.
For those considering starting a family, you might find this guide on artificial insemination helpful. And if you want to explore more about home insemination, visit this blog post.
In summary, navigating family dynamics from a distance requires setting clear boundaries and making choices that prioritize your immediate family’s needs. While it may be challenging to manage the expectations of extended family, establishing those boundaries can lead to healthier relationships and a more peaceful home life.
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