The secret to a fulfilling marriage? Ditch the idealized image of what a “happy marriage” should be. Just wipe it from your mind — forever. And while you’re at it, release the notion of what your relationship was like before kids. That version is gone, much like your pre-baby figure.
Let’s be honest: marriage is challenging enough on its own. Then, just when you think you have everything figured out, BAM — kids arrive, and you find yourself in an entirely new arena. This new stage comes without a coach, a referee, or a playbook to navigate the complexities.
Parenting amplifies the challenges of marriage. The stakes are incredibly high, filled with love and emotions that are both beautiful and exhausting. There’s no time for a breather, and your thoughts are rarely your own unless it’s after hours when the little ones are finally asleep. After a long day, who really wants to engage in a deep conversation? Many marital issues tend to get brushed under the rug rather than being addressed promptly. My own household often oscillates between harmony and chaos in no time at all, and I can seldom trace the moment when small annoyances morph into major conflicts.
As parents, we often bicker over trivial matters simply because we are running on empty. Exhaustion takes its toll, and the smallest irritations can ignite a firestorm of frustration. All your energy is devoted to your kids, and let’s face it—surviving on little sleep and fewer healthy meals is tough. The term “sleep-deprived parent” is an understatement. When fellow parents warn you that you won’t sleep for 18 years after having a child, they’re not exaggerating much. My child is four and still wakes up multiple times a night, seemingly just to ensure I’m dragging the next day. I can’t imagine what parents with several kids go through!
Moreover, our bodies often don’t feel like they did before kids. I know mine has changed significantly; my stamina is lower, and cooking healthy meals can feel like an uphill battle, especially when the plate ends up on the floor instead of the table. And let’s not even talk about finding time to hit the gym!
The reality is, marriage becomes more complicated after kids — and it’s supposed to be that way. The sooner we accept this, the more liberated we’ll feel from the crushing expectations of perfection. I’m not a marriage expert or a parenting Ph.D., but I do have a circle of close friends who have shared wisdom that rivals any degree.
The fact is, marriage can be tough for everyone. Some couples just hide it better than others. Those who appear to have perfect relationships are likely masking their struggles, because no relationship is without its flaws. We all have disagreements, we all play games, and yes, we all have gone to bed angry from time to time.
I wrote this to remind myself that it’s completely normal for marriage to feel overwhelming at times. I want to be a better listener, a better communicator, and a better partner. It’s easy to get lost in the daily grind of parenting and forget the love that initially brought you together. Remember that you’re in this together forever. You’ve built a life as a team, and that bond is unbreakable. Focus on the positives, let go of the negatives, and stop comparing your marriage to others.
Instead of clinging to unrealistic ideals, define what your marriage looks like today, and embrace it. If you don’t like the current image, create a new one. Set an example for your kids by demonstrating the kind of relationship you hope they’ll have one day.
As a little motivation, I’ve decided to create a mantra for my marriage: “Strive to improve every day. In moments of struggle, find joy amidst the chaos. And always prioritize each other, after God.”
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Summary
Marriage becomes more complex after children, and it’s essential to let go of the idealized expectations. Embrace the reality of your relationship, focus on communication and love, and create a new vision for your marriage. Remember, it’s okay to struggle; you’re not alone in this journey.