Parenting
One of my clearest childhood memories is sitting in the car with my mom, driving home while tuned into a country music station. In a cheeky moment, I turned to her and said, “Mom, if I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?” I was quoting lyrics from a song, but my mom was too shocked to realize it.
At 13, my mother faced the unsettling truth that I was either completely out of touch with the meaning behind those words or misinterpreting our mother-son relationship. The real issue was that she assumed I, a boy navigating puberty, understood how to express or even recognize sexual feelings. But I didn’t—at all! I had no idea that my words had a sexual undertone.
This led to an awkward yet necessary conversation about how to communicate respectfully with women and the inappropriateness of reducing a woman’s worth to her physical appearance. This was my first real discussion about sex.
In school, I had only learned about the biological aspects of sex—diseases and reproduction. My fifth-grade teacher had a humorous take on where kids should and shouldn’t hang out, but I was too innocent to grasp the implications. At home, my mom guided me through two illustrated books, “What’s Happening to Me?” and “Where Do Babies Come From?”
Fast forward to high school, where I was a freshman at 16, and many of my friends were already sexually active. I almost joined in until my health teacher (who also coached wrestling) shared a graphic account of a student’s experience with gonorrhea. That was enough to keep me away!
Now, I’m 32 and preparing for my third child. My partner’s oldest, Lily, is 7 and incredibly curious about how her baby brother ended up in her mom’s belly. How do you explain the complex process of reproduction to a child? We resorted to a euphemism, saying that a “magic seed” was planted in her mom’s tummy. Seems innocent enough, right?
A few weeks later, while looking through Lily’s internet history on the iPad, we discovered she had been watching adult content. Naturally, we were shocked. The videos were disturbing and inappropriate for someone her age. How did this happen?
It took us several days filled with emotions before we felt ready to talk to Lily about what we found. When we finally did, her response was even more heart-wrenching: she wasn’t interested in sex; she just wanted to understand how her baby brother was conceived.
Since we hadn’t provided a clear answer, she turned to Google for information on where babies come from, which led her to adult content in an attempt to learn about reproduction. Unfortunately, what she found only added to her confusion.
We realized we had failed in our responsibility as parents—dodging her genuine questions. But why did we hesitate? We were using accurate terms like “vagina” and “penis,” so it wasn’t that we were against being honest. Somewhere along the line, we had internalized the belief that she was too young to grasp the details. A quick Google search for “sex euphemisms for kids” yields over 341,000 results!
We often resort to saying things like “the birds and the bees” or calling it “wrestling.” Such phrases completely sidestep the reality of sex. When our 7-year-old asked sincere questions, we fell back on this kind of language.
But is it really that young children can’t comprehend the implications of sex? How should we broach the topic? It’s crucial to understand the context of your child’s inquiries. Most 7-year-olds are not pondering puberty or romantic encounters; they’re trying to make sense of reproduction in a straightforward way, or clarify something they heard from peers.
With younger children, clarity is key. They seek straightforward answers, and as we learned, they will find information regardless. Thankfully, my partner, Mallerie, handled the discussion with Lily exceptionally well. She recognized Lily’s curiosity as the driving force behind her search history.
They spoke for quite a while, with Mallerie ensuring that Lily didn’t feel ashamed for her desire to learn. She patiently answered Lily’s questions, focusing on the basics of her baby brother’s arrival. More importantly, Mallerie aimed to create a safe space for Lily to ask future questions—not just about sex, but anything she might be struggling to understand.
Does Lily now know everything about sex? Certainly not! We didn’t delve into details about first experiences or peer pressure. Those conversations can happen later when she’s ready, just as we will be prepared for our other children when they start to wonder about their origins.
How will we address the next phase of these discussions? Mallerie and I balance each other out. She became a mom at 15, while I waited until I was 24 to have sex. Our differing experiences allow us to be honest with our kids while offering diverse perspectives on navigating their feelings. Together, we can provide a story for almost any situation our kids may encounter.
If you find your child viewing adult content or exploring adult material, don’t panic. Take a moment to assess the situation and ask your child why they sought out those images or videos. Most likely, they have questions. Even if they are at a stage where nudity or adult content piques their interest, you can spark a conversation about unrealistic portrayals of sex and the importance of respecting partners. Either way, maintaining open lines of communication is vital.
For more insights on parenting and fertility, check out this excellent resource on fertility and home insemination.
Summary:
In this article, Alex reflects on the challenges of explaining reproduction to children. After discovering their 7-year-old had viewed adult content in search of answers about pregnancy, they realized the importance of having honest conversations about sex. By creating a safe space for questions, parents can help children understand these topics without shame. Open communication is essential to guide children as they navigate their curiosities.