My partner is in the kitchen, preparing dinner, while I’m in our bedroom sorting through piles of laundry. Our 7-year-old was just in the kitchen moments ago, but now he’s standing at my bedside, asking if he can grab a snack.
Let’s pause for a second.
My partner is in the kitchen, and my child is too. I’m tucked away in the bedroom. Yet, when my little one feels the pangs of hunger, he seeks me out instead of asking Dad, who is merely a few feet away, surrounded by all the food. It’s as if my husband has turned invisible in their eyes.
I’ve often joked that I must possess some kind of superpowers, as I appear to be the only one in the family capable of addressing specific needs. Seriously, I can be engrossed in a project on my computer while also assisting another child with homework, and my other kids will bypass their dad, who is present, to come to me with their questions.
Don’t get me wrong; my husband is not a disengaged dad. He’s very much involved, always ready to lend a hand, and just as skilled at slicing apples as I am. Yet, when the kids’ little minds register a need, they only picture me. Their father? He’s nowhere in their thoughts.
Sometimes, my husband will ask a child what they need, only to hear, “I need to ask Mom.” And I’d wager that 90% of the time, it’s a question he could easily handle.
Is this a consequence of me breastfeeding them too long? Or perhaps the co-sleeping formed some kind of psychic connection that compels them to seek me out? No one warned me about this in the attachment parenting group!
It’s particularly amusing when the kids finally grow weary of my repeated insistence to “Ask your father! He’s right there!” and attempt to engage him. But more often than not, they address him as “Mama? I mean, Daddy?” At this point, it seems like we need a thesaurus entry for “father” that includes “Mama-I-Mean-Daddy.” Kids just can’t seem to grasp that their dad is equally capable of helping them.
I know I’m not alone in this. Many parents have shared their experiences with the Invisible Dad phenomenon, making it clear that this is a common struggle. It’s why moms lament about never being able to read a book, use the bathroom alone, or take a bath without interruptions. I’ve come to believe that kids’ needs are triggered by a mother’s moments of peace. The instant we find a bit of relaxation, their brains light up with “need-need-need,” and voila! It’s always Mom they seek.
I can attest to this because my morning showers are frequently interrupted by requests. On average, I’d say three or four interruptions happen daily. My favorite is when they come running to tell me they can’t find something or that something isn’t functioning properly. Seriously, kids? 1) I’m in the shower, and 2) your father is literally right there!
I’m torn between feeling sorry for my husband and being a bit envious of him. I can see it stings a bit that our kids consistently come to me first, yet at the same time, it’s nice to be the go-to parent. He occasionally acknowledges how frustrating this is for me and tries to redirect the kids to him, but that’s a bit sad too, isn’t it? It’s like he’s that kid in school everyone overlooked. “Hey, kids! I’m here too! Don’t you want to play with me? My mom made brownies!”
And just to clarify, this isn’t because my partner is away at work. He works from home, just like I do. He’s present just as much as I am. It doesn’t seem to matter at all.
If you find yourself living with an invisible father, there is a glimmer of hope. My eldest child, now almost 16, has finally learned to seek help from both parents equally. Despite her years of solely coming to me, she now distributes her questions evenly between my husband and me. So, I’m confident that we can train the younger ones to do the same.
In the meantime, I’ll continue using my trusty phrase: “Go ask your dad — he’s right there,” and hold onto the faith that eventually, they’ll notice him.
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Summary
In this light-hearted reflection, the author shares the amusing yet frustrating reality of being the “Invisible Father” in family dynamics, where children often overlook their dad’s presence in favor of their mom. This article captures the essence of parenting challenges, while also offering hope for change as children grow older.