When my younger son was just a toddler, he had a catchy little motto: “Me-Me-Me.” Whenever my husband or I tried to lend a hand—be it with putting on shoes, finishing a bowl of oatmeal, or buckling him into his car seat—he would push us away, exclaiming, “Me-Me-Me!” In toddler language, this meant, “I’ve got this, so leave me alone.”
While his desire for independence was both relatable and heartwarming, it could also be incredibly frustrating for everyone involved. He’d throw tantrums, sulk, and do everything in his power to avoid accepting a bit of assistance. For toddlers, independence is paramount.
But this obsession with being independent isn’t limited to little ones; many adults view self-sufficiency as a virtue—a hallmark of character. Our culture celebrates self-starters and those who achieve success through hard work. Independence and freedom form the foundation of the American Dream.
Yet, this very independence often becomes a burden.
Recently, I was chatting with a friend, overwhelmed with the chaos of parenthood. I offered my support and encouraged her to reach out to others for help. She replied, “I know, but I feel like I should manage this on my own.” Essentially, she was echoing that “Me-Me-Me” sentiment and exhausting herself in the process.
I can relate; I’ve been in that exhausting place, and I still find myself there from time to time. I take pride in being an independent woman who struggles to ask for help. I often think I should be able to handle everything myself.
What both I and countless other parents overlook is that independence and support can coexist. Being self-sufficient doesn’t mean going it alone, and autonomy doesn’t preclude the need for community.
Parenting was never intended to prioritize independence over mutual support. We weren’t meant to face it all alone, especially during those tough days when the urge to scream “I can’t take it anymore!” is overwhelming.
There’s a reason why the saying “it takes a village” has become a cliché—it rings true. In the past, parents collectively shared the responsibility of nurturing the next generation. They supported and protected each other. If you found yourself in need, whether due to a doctor’s appointment or simply having a rough morning, you could call up your neighbor, Lisa, and say, “I’m having a really tough day! Can you watch my kids for a bit?” And Lisa would likely respond, “Of course! Just bring over a couple of diapers when you come. I’m out, and my little one is in need!”
There would be no judgment, no gossip, just two friends having each other’s backs. You could drop off your kids to play with hers, take a breather, and later share a drink while venting about the challenges of parenting. Because let’s face it: parenting is hard, and we shouldn’t have to go it alone.
Somewhere along the line, we adopted the notion that parenting requires a sense of independence. Both single and partnered parents often feel pressured to handle everything on their own, keeping their struggles private. This is reflected in our public policies; America is one of the few developed nations that lacks paid parental leave and subsidized childcare. We see it in the way society often looks down on struggling families and in our hesitance to ask for help or admit that we don’t have all the answers.
Parenting is serious work—it’s challenging. Our insistence on the “Me-Me-Me” approach can lead to burnout and unhappiness. And for what? There are no rewards for “independent parenting.” You don’t earn a trophy for going it alone and never seeking help.
So, why not transition from the “Me-Me-Me” approach to the “We’ve-Got-Each-Other’s-Back” style of parenting? Eventually, my son outgrew his “Me-Me-Me” phase. He learned that even though he was capable of doing things alone, he didn’t have to. He accepted help occasionally, and we all ended up much happier.
If only we parents could embrace this same philosophy.
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Summary
Independence can be a double-edged sword for parents, leading to feelings of isolation and exhaustion. Embracing a community-oriented approach—where asking for help is encouraged—can create a more fulfilling parenting experience. By supporting one another, we can navigate the challenges of parenthood with greater ease and happiness.