I’ll admit it—I’m a bit biased, but my daughter is stunning. She has bright blue eyes framed by long lashes, a radiant smile, and light brown hair that sparkles like gold in the sunshine. Friends, family, and even strangers often shower her with compliments, and I appreciate every one of them, especially since I played a part in creating her beauty.
However, what really bothers me are the compliments that come with conditions. You know the ones I’m talking about. I’ve said them myself, and I still catch myself almost saying them when I talk to my daughter.
- “You look so lovely with your hair down.”
- “You’re so pretty now that you’ve had your bath.”
- “Oh, that dress makes you look gorgeous.”
While I understand that these comments are usually well-intentioned and not meant to hurt, they come with strings attached. Her beauty seems to depend on her hairstyle, her cleanliness, or her clothing choices. This isn’t the message I want to send to my daughter, especially as she’s beginning to pick up on these subtle cues at just four years old.
She’ll emerge from her room excitedly asking, “Mommy, am I pretty now?” or smile after brushing her teeth and say, “Look, Mom, I’m pretty now!” It breaks my heart to hear her associate her worth with her appearance in such a way. So, I respond gently, “Sweetheart, you are always beautiful. You are pretty all the time. It’s your heart that makes you beautiful. There’s nothing you can do or wear to change that. You were, are, and always will be pretty.”
Though she doesn’t fully grasp it yet, I repeat this affirmation whenever she seeks validation based on her actions or outfits because I want those words to resonate in her heart.
The world our daughters are growing up in is tough. They’re bombarded with messages that suggest their worth is tied to external factors, like a certain body size or appearance. A single negative comment online can have devastating effects.
Being a woman today is challenging, and the last thing my daughter needs is to think that her beauty is conditional. She deserves to hear from everyone around her that she is beautiful simply because she exists. Be it a dress or peanut butter smeared across her face, my daughter is beautiful all the time.
So please, if you want to compliment my daughter, do it without conditions attached. She shouldn’t have to learn, at such a young age, that beauty comes with limitations. I want to protect her from that societal lie for as long as I can.
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In summary, our daughters need to know that their beauty is innate and unconditional. As parents, we must be vigilant about the messages we send and reinforce that their worth is not tied to appearance.