“Why blend in when you can stand out?” – Dr. Seuss
My family definitely stands out. My kids are Asian, while my partner and I are white. It’s pretty obvious that our children are adopted, which often invites curious glances and a plethora of questions that range from innocent to downright intrusive. While I understand that most people don’t intend to make me uncomfortable with their inquiries while we’re shopping at the grocery store, some questions can be truly baffling. Here are a few of the most ridiculous ones I’ve faced:
- “What happened to their REAL parents?”
First off, it’s more appropriate to say “birth parents.” As for your question? That’s really none of your business. Such references can lead to awkward conversations with my kids, like when they ask, “Aren’t you my real mom?” or “Why do people ask if we’re actually brothers?” While discussions about adoption are a part of our lives, it’s disheartening when they’re triggered by a stranger’s thoughtless question. - “Your child is so lucky/you’re a saint/bless you for rescuing that poor orphan.”
I’m neither a saint nor a superhero, and my child isn’t a charity case. My husband and I simply wanted to become parents, not save the world. - “Can’t you have your own children?”
Fantastic. Nothing like a stranger prying into your reproductive health to start your day off right! - “Why did you adopt from X instead of Y?”
Questions about why we chose to adopt from one particular country over another can feel invasive. Adoption decisions are complex and personal, so unless you’re genuinely considering adoption yourself, it’s best to avoid this topic. - “Adoption must have been the easy way to have kids.”
While I may have skipped the morning sickness and hospital stays, you have no clue about my journey. It’s essential to rethink the word “easy” when it comes to adoption. - “I could NEVER…”
It’s nice that you’re so sure about how you’d handle situations you’ve never faced. It just goes to show how little we can know about other people’s lives. - “How much did it cost?”
Asking about adoption expenses is as inappropriate as inquiring about someone’s credit score. If you’re tempted to ask this question, take a moment to consider why you feel the need to know—it’s likely not your business. Just say “cute kid” or even better, let’s go grab a drink. - “Do you think they’ll grow up to be communists?”
Seriously? We adopted from China, a communist country, yes. But my focus as a mom is on raising happy, well-adjusted kids, not their future political affiliations.
Curiosity isn’t inherently bad, but it’s crucial to consider the appropriateness of your questions based on your relationship with the person. If you wouldn’t ask a new parent about their birthing experience in a blunt manner, think twice before addressing families who might stand out for various reasons.
In short, let’s all just strive to be a little kinder and more considerate with our questions.
For more on related topics, check out this post on home insemination, or for more resources, visit Make a Mom and CCRM IVF.
Summary:
This article highlights the absurd and often intrusive questions adoptive parents face. From inquiries about “real” parents to assumptions about the ease of adoption, these questions can be both awkward and inappropriate. It emphasizes the importance of being mindful and respectful when asking about someone’s family dynamics.