Growing up, my father was distant and hard to reach. He rarely communicated with my sibling and me, and he seldom engaged in play. His demeanor was often cold and irritable, a reflection of his own tumultuous childhood with an abusive father. He built walls around himself to shield from pain, which left me without a positive example of fatherhood.
When I became a dad, I faced the challenge of breaking free from this inherited emotional baggage. How could I grow and ensure my child had a nurturing and stable father figure?
I realized that often, we operate on “cruise control,” reacting to situations in ways that are deeply ingrained from our own childhood experiences. When my young son asked, “Dad, do you want to play cars?” my initial reaction was simply to dismiss the idea. That was my cruise control kicking in—the voice of my dad echoing in my mind.
However, I had made a conscious decision long ago to be a better father and partner than the one I had known. I began to pause and reflect on the kind of dad I wanted to be. Questions like, “What type of father do I aspire to be?” and “What does my son deserve?” became my guiding stars.
So, instead of saying no, I responded with enthusiasm, “Absolutely, buddy!” I got down on the floor, picked up a little car, and joined in the fun. Initially, it felt strange since I had often played alone as a child, but soon, that awkwardness melted away and I found myself truly enjoying those moments with my son.
My child grew up with the dad I chose to be, not the one I was conditioned to emulate. I shifted from cruise control to manual mode, putting in the effort to make intentional decisions. It’s not easy to break old habits, especially when many of us don’t come from loving, supportive environments. Yet, with practice, we can train ourselves to pause and think, asking, “What kind of person do I want to be?” and “How can I respond in a way that makes me proud?”
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In summary, becoming the father my son needed required me to break away from my past and make conscious choices about the type of parent I wanted to be. It’s a journey that involves self-reflection and intentional action, which ultimately leads to a more fulfilling relationship with my child.