I tend to worry a lot. I’m a white woman and a mother to a two-month-old baby boy. Growing up with a sister and primarily female cousins, I’m not well-versed in raising boys. When I learned I was expecting a son, I didn’t think much about the challenges he might face related to his gender, unlike the concerns I had for a daughter. I didn’t consider how his race would influence his experiences because, as a white person, I’ve been shielded from those worries—until he was born.
Shortly after his arrival, my social media feeds were flooded with news about a privileged white Stanford student, Kyle Bennett, who received a mere six-month sentence for sexually assaulting a woman. The judge claimed a prison term would drastically affect his life. But what about the life of the victim? I’m concerned my son might grow into someone like him.
Just a few weeks later, two Black men were tragically killed. In Baton Rouge, Louisiana, Tyler Johnson was shot by two white police officers. Then, in Minnesota, not far from where I live, another Black man, Jason Lee, was killed by law enforcement—not by a white man, but by someone benefiting from a system that privileges those with lighter skin. I fear my son could become a reflection of that reality.
You might think it’s selfish for me to be worried about my white son. He won’t have to live in fear for his life based on the color of his skin—worrying about being shot during a traffic stop or for selling items outside a store. He can wear a hoodie or play with a toy gun without worrying about police reactions. I won’t have to teach him to constantly monitor his drink at parties for fear of something being slipped in or ensure he walks home with friends to avoid danger, unlike what I would do for a daughter. Instead, he could become the one who violates others—the oppressor.
This is the root of my concern.
I’m worried about our white boys because I feel a deep sense of fear for our Black boys. I’m anxious about our white sons because I fear for our daughters. It’s crucial we teach our white boys about equality, the concept of white privilege, and how to challenge it while also understanding consent and responsibility. We need to instill empathy, compassion, and humility in them. The reality is, they will grow into white men inheriting the privileges and power that come with that identity. Despite well-intentioned lessons on kindness and equality, I struggle with how to counteract the pervasive messages about whiteness, masculinity, and power that society will impart, even if I promote a different philosophy at home.
I can teach my son to be kind, but kindness alone won’t suffice. I must educate him on respecting individuals’ rights to their own bodies, which means understanding the importance of consent. I need to show him that, contrary to societal narratives, Black men are not to be feared. He must learn that his identity as a white male carries a weighty responsibility, not a privilege of special treatment.
As a white mother, I feel overwhelmed and uncertain about how to navigate these discussions. I am grieving for the state of our society. Mothers of Black boys have to instruct their sons on how to interact with police to ensure their safety, and mothers of daughters must teach their girls how to protect themselves from assault. The least I can do is figure out how to raise my son to be an ally to the oppressed, not a contributor to their suffering.
I don’t have all the answers for teaching these vital lessons to my son. I’m still learning to embrace my role as a mother to a white boy while grappling with the complexities of this conversation. What I do know is that our current approach isn’t working. The violence against Black boys, the assaults on women, and the indifference from the privileged are unacceptable.
So, I’m taking action. I’m committing to listen, learn, and speak out. I’m initiating discussions within my home because if we neglect to address how we raise our white boys, we will fail our daughters, our Black boys, and each other. The responsibility to correct this imbalance cannot rest solely on the oppressed; it falls to us, the oppressors, to enact change, starting with how we raise our white boys. This article was originally published on July 13, 2016.
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In summary, as a mother, I’m grappling with the complexities of raising a white son in a society rife with inequality. It’s crucial to instill values of empathy, respect, and responsibility in him, ensuring he grows up to support, rather than oppress, others.