Not long ago, I penned an article for a well-known parenting site titled, “Just Because I Help Out at Night Doesn’t Mean I Deserve Thanks.” It stemmed from a rather foolish disagreement I had with my partner, where I clumsily suggested she should be thankful for my late-night contributions. “Most dads don’t do this,” I said. By the end of the conversation, I had apologized and recognized my mistake. That piece has since gained traction and has been translated into various languages.
What I’ve learned is that fathers are increasingly stepping up their game. I’ve received countless messages from mothers who appreciate their partners washing the dishes or doing laundry, or like me, waking up at night with the kids. However, they often express frustration over how their husbands seem to expect accolades for their efforts.
And honestly, I understand. I’m definitely more involved in parenting than my father ever was.
A Shift in Parenting Roles
I remember grocery shopping with my mother a while back, while my partner was home with the kids. As we pushed the cart filled with my three little ones, she asked why I was doing the shopping. This led to a discussion about how I often rise in the night and tackle laundry too. She was surprised, considering my dad didn’t lift a finger when I was growing up. His role was simple: work, bring home the paycheck, and that was it. Unfortunately, many fathers still cling to that outdated mindset, believing that just earning a living is enough. I used to think that way too.
But we’re living in a time where fathers are recognized as equal partners in parenting, and that’s fantastic! I feel much closer to my children than my dad ever was to me, and it’s because I view parenting as a shared responsibility. Yet, some dads still believe they deserve special recognition for doing their part in household chores or child-rearing. I’m here to tell you that’s not how it should be.
The Importance of Gratitude
This isn’t to say couples shouldn’t express gratitude now and then. Certainly, appreciation is vital in any relationship. But, dads, you shouldn’t expect a grand thank-you for doing the dishes, folding clothes, or getting up in the middle of the night. We’ve moved beyond that notion.
If you’re one of those dads from the ’50s who thinks your partner is solely responsible for cleaning and cooking while you provide financially, this message isn’t for you. It’s aimed at those modern dads who fully engage in parenting responsibilities. If you hear a child’s cry and don’t hesitate to jump in, you’re doing great. You’re actively involved in your family’s life, and you’re not just babysitting; you’re parenting. Embrace that!
Embracing Shared Responsibilities
Let’s take the next step. Let’s abandon traditional gender roles that assign all household tasks to moms and recognize that if you help out, your partner doesn’t owe you anything for it. Instead of bragging about making the bed like it’s a monumental feat, just do it because it needs to be done.
None of this is a negative shift; in fact, it’s wonderful! Never have parents been more collaborative. In 2013, 40% of households with kids under 18 had mothers who were the primary earners. Bringing home a paycheck isn’t the sole measure of a father’s contribution anymore.
Bonding Moments
When I first became a father, my son wouldn’t sleep unless I held him upright. I was juggling work and college, and my partner was working full-time too. We were both exhausted, and I couldn’t leave the night duty solely to her. We were in this together.
Reflecting on that busy period, I realize that those late-night wake-ups were my moments to bond with my son. It was my chance to be a dad. My father never had the chance to hold a sleeping baby, engage in playful conversations, or share a laugh over breakfast. He missed out on so much due to rigid gender expectations, but I’m fortunate enough to experience all of that.
Redefining Fatherhood
Dads are parents too, and the appreciation we seek doesn’t need to come from our partners. Instead, it arises from the everyday moments that make fatherhood so rewarding. Taking care of kids is no longer seen as a woman’s job; it’s about being a parent, equally sharing in a beautiful partnership that creates lasting memories. We should be grateful for our active roles in our children’s lives and relish every moment instead of feeling entitled to recognition.
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Conclusion
In summary, it’s time for dads to stop seeking praise for their parenting contributions and to embrace the shared journey of parenthood. Recognize that being involved is the new norm, and appreciate the meaningful moments instead of expecting acknowledgment.