Updated: March 10, 2021
Originally Published: June 20, 2016
As summer rolls in, many families look forward to beach trips. However, taking young children to the beach can feel less like a vacation and more like a dental procedure without anesthesia. Last year, I declared, “Enough is enough!” but the kids kept yelling. This year, I decided to leverage my psychology background to develop a beach strategy I like to call “Parasite Parenting.” What exactly is Parasite Parenting? It’s about cleverly integrating your kids into another family’s adventure while you kick back and unwind.
Here’s how to master it:
- Find Your Landmark: Set up your beach blanket next to or behind a notable spot (like a lifeguard station or one of those ridiculous sun tents that look like they belong in a circus). This way, your kids can easily locate you when the other family inevitably departs. Trust me, they will leave once they catch on.
- Buddy Up to the Hole-Diggers: Choose a spot near a family that’s digging a hole. Whether they’re trying to reach China or create some mysterious pit, it doesn’t matter. What’s crucial is that it’s a dad and his kids digging. Fathers seem to have a relentless drive to make those holes bigger. It’s like some primal instinct to dig deeper.
- Occasionally Check-In: About every 30 minutes, stroll over to your kids and reapply sunscreen while suggesting they return to the blanket for some math practice or a healthy snack like edamame.
- Engage with the Other Parents: Make sure to wave at the other parents at least once, shrug your shoulders, and mouth “she loves you!” while giving a look that conveys your sincere apologies for your parenting tactics.
- Set Up Camp at the Hole: Leave snacks, juice boxes, and toys at the edge of the hole to keep your kids occupied. On your way back to your chair, mention to the dad, “Great job with the hole! I’ll be over here checking out Guinnessworldrecords.com for the deepest beach hole. Internet’s a bit slow today, huh?”
By following these steps, you can enjoy a good book, play a few rounds of UNO, soak up some sun, or even revisit your bartending skills with minimal interruptions. Happy beaching!
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Summary:
This article provides a humorous take on beach outings with kids, introducing the concept of “Parasite Parenting” as a method to enjoy some relaxation while cleverly integrating your children into the activities of other families at the beach.