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The Motherhood Truce by Christine Organ
Originally Published: June 19, 2016
Can we take a moment to be real with one another? I’m drained. You’re drained. And we’re both surrounded by crumbs from goldfish crackers, an array of cheap plastic toys, and a mountain of guilt. Let’s just drop the pretense for a second.
Mothers never seem to catch a break. No matter what we do or the choices we make, there’s always someone lurking, ready to criticize our parenting styles. Each day brings a new challenge, another “Mommy War” we didn’t sign up for, and yet more debates raging online. Why can’t they just back off and give us some peace? I feel like screaming almost every single day. We’re doing the best we can!
But sometimes, we mothers are our own harshest critics. We nitpick one another, we blame ourselves, and we drown in guilt, thinking it’ll somehow elevate us to the impossible standards we set. Daily, we’re bombarded with messages that imply we’re falling short, that we’re not good enough, and that our parenting choices aren’t the “right” ones.
Honestly, my voice is getting hoarse from telling those negative thoughts to back off.
I need your support. I know you’re probably saying “back off” to that nonsense too, so let’s join forces and really make a difference.
Motherhood is challenging enough, so why don’t we call a truce on all this imaginary competition and judgment? Can’t we just agree to disagree and move on? It’s time to stop the criticism and the judgment and the picking at each other.
And for goodness’ sake, let’s end this madness.
We both want the best for our kids and our families. We’re both exhausted. And deep down, we know we’re too old for this nonsense.
So here’s my suggestion:
- Let’s put an end to the comparisons and the negativity.
- While we’re at it, let’s retire the word “versus” from our motherhood vocabulary. Enough with the breast versus bottle debates, sleep training versus co-sleeping discussions, helicopter parenting versus free-range parenting. Parenting isn’t a contest, so we don’t need all these “versus” arguments. There’s no single “right” way to parent; there are countless good ways.
Let’s remember that we can’t possibly know what’s best for someone else’s family. What works for one family might not work for another. We’re both burdened by guilt and “shoulds,” so why not cut ourselves and each other some slack? We’re both doing our best, and even if it doesn’t feel like it, good enough is precisely that.
Can we step off this exhausting treadmill of More-Bigger-Better? Honestly, it’s tiring.
I’m not one to reminisce too much about how things were “better in my day,” but the pressure to “keep up with the Joneses” has reached new heights. Birthday favor bags, Valentine’s treats, Halloween goodies—each one more elaborate than the last. And don’t even get me started on birthday parties!
What is the point of this excessive, competitive craziness? Neither of us needs another bag of cheap plastic toys that our kids will squabble over. We don’t need to spend hours scrolling through Pinterest, nor do we need the extra hassle of running to Party City for the umpteenth time. We certainly don’t need to rack up credit card bills for parties our kids will forget about before the last balloon pops. If planning themed parties excites you, that’s wonderful! Go for it.
But let’s be honest—most of us are doing this for ourselves, not for our kids, who honestly wouldn’t care if the cake looks like Elsa or if it’s a bit lopsided. So let’s stop going overboard to outdo each other. This was never a competition.
Can we please avoid the pointless small talk about what sports your kid plays, whether they’re in advanced math, or how much screen time they get? To be frank, I don’t care if your son is excelling in math, and you probably don’t care if my kid is into soccer or baseball. We’re both already feeling guilty about screen time, so let’s not fuel that fire, alright?
I’d rather spend our time getting to know each other. How are you doing? Really doing? Instead of the usual “I’m fine,” let’s be honest because we both know the world needs more authenticity.
Let’s be No-Drama Mamas. Not just when it comes to our own issues, but also our kids’ little dramas. Sure, our kids need to know we support them, and we’ll definitely step in when bullying is involved. But that minor drama about whether Susie commented on your daughter’s messy hair or Danny called your son a name? Let’s just let it go. A phone call to mediate isn’t necessary. They’ll forget about it in no time, and so should we!
And this whole mommy martyr thing? Nope, just NOPE. No one’s handing out awards for trying to do it all. Do you know what happens when you don’t do everything and let some things slide? Nothing! Life goes on. Your kids are still happy. You’re happy, even with a few extra dishes in the sink.
Instead of getting wrapped up in all this, let’s assume good intentions, lift one another up, and rock this parenting journey together.
We all know parenting is tough—really tough sometimes—but it’s also incredibly rewarding. Our children, as much as they drive us crazy, are truly amazing. So let’s drop the pretenses, call a truce on these so-called Mommy Wars (if they even exist), and put down the pitchforks.
Let’s stop the competitive parenting and abandon our pursuits of perfection. Instead, let’s support each other and celebrate the incredible journey of motherhood. Because we are truly thriving at this parenting thing.
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