June 17, 2016
One day, I received a text from my then 11-year-old son that read, “Hey Mom, I’ve been keeping something from you for a long time, but I think it’s time you know I’m gay. I couldn’t tell you in person, but we can chat about it at Bob’s Furniture.” I was driving when I got the message, so I couldn’t respond immediately. A few minutes later, he called, and I answered through my Bluetooth. He asked if I saw his text, and I told him I’d check it later. I asked if he and his sister were ready since I was picking them up soon for dinner and to shop for a mattress. Those were simple, everyday plans—before our world shifted.
I pulled over and read the text, and panic set in. I called his dad, and we both felt a wave of anxiety—not rooted in hate or prejudice, but in fear of how this revelation might change things and concern for our son’s safety.
When I picked the kids up, I simply said, “I love you, and that will never change.” It felt like enough at that moment, and we didn’t delve deeper that night.
In the days that followed, we began to have more conversations. My son had already been open at school and had supportive friends around him when he decided to text me. He had confided in his younger sister about six months earlier.
My husband and I processed the news at different paces, with each of us grappling with our own worries and feelings. We were concerned about his safety, mental health, and the uncertainty of his future. To cope, we leaned on each other, expressed our love to our son, and joined PFLAG. Attending meetings as a family allowed us to share our feelings and gain support from others who had gone through similar experiences. It was empowering to know we could also offer help to others.
Now, a year and a half later, my husband and I realize that while it changed things, it wasn’t as monumental as we initially thought. We still worry about the day he may encounter genuine hate and discrimination. We’ve made an agreement with him: he can handle negative words at school, but if he ever feels threatened, he must tell us so we can step in.
Fortunately, our fears for his safety have calmed down a bit. The world has improved since we were kids, even if it’s still far from perfect.
As my son approaches his teenage years, new challenges arise, such as navigating dating in the LGBTQ world—something we’re still learning about. He has developed a crush on a male friend who isn’t openly gay, and I find myself unsure of how to guide him in figuring out if his friend feels the same way. This was never something I imagined having to advise on when my kids were younger.
But we’re learning to navigate these young romantic waters together. When a bisexual friend asked my son if they were a couple, I helped him respond in a way that valued their friendship while making it clear he didn’t share those feelings.
So where do we stand now, 18 months later? We’re having the same conversations we would have had regardless of his sexual orientation. We discuss dating rules, how to be a caring partner, and the importance of respect—both for others and for oneself. We daydream about his future and tease him about his crushes.
Now, instead of his dad being the one to discuss attractive actors, it’s become a shared conversation between my son and me. We’ve shifted from imagining his future wife to celebrating that he can legally marry his future husband. We also talk about different paths he might take to have children someday. We even joke about his identity, discussing both the stereotypical and non-stereotypical aspects of being gay.
Not everything is simple, though. Most of our family remains unaware of his sexual orientation. While I believe that most will eventually be supportive after the initial shock, we do have a few very conservative relatives who may not react kindly. When and how my son chooses to come out to them is entirely up to him. For now, we support his choices and work to stay neutral when family members ask if he has a girlfriend—using gender-neutral terms for future romantic interests.
Despite the changes, the core of how we love our son remains unchanged, and perhaps that is the greatest lesson I’ve learned. My love for him endures, no matter what.
In light of recent events, particularly the tragedy at the Orlando nightclub in June 2016, I feel compelled to add that my initial sense of hope has been shaken. I had thought that society had made significant strides in acceptance, but the harsh reality of hate and violence against the LGBTQ community is ever-present. My heart is heavy, and while I strive to maintain a sense of calm for my son, I am acutely aware of the dangers he may face simply for being true to himself.
As I navigate this journey, I’ll continue to foster an environment of love and support for my son, hoping that one day, the peace I once felt will return.