The phrase “I demoted myself” was brought to my attention by a friend during a summer day at the beach while we chased after our children. We had graduated from college nearly 12 years ago and now found ourselves navigating the complexities of full-time work and motherhood. This candid admission resonated with me, encapsulating the experience many women our age are facing—choosing to step back from their careers.
Navigating the myriad of choices surrounding work is daunting. Should I lean in, lean out, opt in, or opt out? Should I pursue part-time work, full-time employment, or focus solely on parenting? The flood of information directed at moms regarding the “right” choice is overwhelming. Various voices, each with their unique perspectives and circumstances, attempt to provide answers to what seems to be a universal dilemma. It’s enough to make anyone’s head spin.
Before I became a parent, I was blissfully unaware of the “working mom vs. stay-at-home mom” debate. I didn’t realize that this topic warranted books, articles, and blog posts or that women engaged in heated discussions about it. I was oblivious to the judgment, guilt, and comparisons that permeated the experiences of many mothers. My social media feeds became a minefield of opinions and advice, urging me to question my own decisions.
Just one day after my first child, Max, was born, I was asked, “Are you going back to work?”
“Yes, I am,” I replied, fully confident at that moment about my choice to return to my career.
I had embarked on a rewarding journey in the non-profit sector, where my passion for fundraising flourished, albeit for modest pay. My ambition was to ascend to a director role before I turned 30, and I achieved that goal when I accepted a director position at a university just shy of my birthday. Despite the challenges I faced there, I felt immense pride in having reached that milestone. However, everything changed when Max came home.
Upon returning to work after spending three months bonding with him, I noticed a significant shift. Max struggled with the transition, often displaying distress when I picked him up from daycare. It was heartbreaking to see him regress, and I quickly realized my priorities had changed. I made the difficult decision to resign from my director position, leaving that chapter behind without looking back.
The next two years spent at home with Max were both the most rewarding and challenging times of my life. I am incredibly thankful for those moments—being present for him was a gift I cherish deeply, and I have no regrets about my choice.
When I decided to step away from my career, some acquaintances expressed their disbelief, saying, “I value my independence too much to leave my job.” Their words implied that choosing to be a stay-at-home parent equated to dependence, which trivialized the important work that stay-at-home moms undertake.
Last year, I returned to full-time work, and both Max and I were ready for that transition. I found myself longing for the mental stimulation that work provides, and as I settled back in, I felt my strength and confidence return. However, I opted not to reclaim my previous director role. When presented with another director opportunity, I briefly considered it but knew I was no longer the same person.
Instead, I chose to demote myself, seeking balance and flexibility that aligned with my current life. I sought summer hours, long weekends, and the freedom to take sick days without the weight of leadership responsibilities. My husband, Jake, has a demanding job that supports our family. He sacrifices his time for us, and although I occasionally feel envious of his career trajectory, I remain grateful for the choices we have made together.
As for my future career path, I’m still exploring options. Writing is a passion of mine, and I dream of pursuing it full time. Some days I yearn for the responsibility and recognition that come with higher positions, but I also appreciate my current role, the supportive colleagues, and the enjoyable work environment. Ultimately, I can’t say if I’ve made the right long-term choices, but at that moment, they were the right decisions for our family.
On those summer weekdays, when I’m pushing Max on a swing or enjoying a sunny day at the beach, I realize those are the moments to treasure. I don’t regret my decision to step back into a less demanding role.
I have no longing to be a director anymore.
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In summary, my path has led me to a place of fulfillment, balancing work and motherhood in a way that feels right for me and my family.
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