When a parent says, “My child has autism,” many people struggle to find the right response. While most understand that a celebratory high-five is inappropriate, they often end up fumbling for words, looking away, and making social missteps in an attempt to escape an awkward moment.
We get it; it can be tough to know what to say. We understand you feel uncomfortable and wish you hadn’t commented on our child’s behavior. However, once the topic comes up, it’s hard to ignore. So, let’s help those who might feel at a loss for words by outlining what not to say.
- ‘But he seems so…normal?!’
Thanks? I’m not quite sure what “normal” means, but I think my child is beautiful just as he is. - ‘Are you certain he’s autistic?’
Yes, we are certain. While he may not exhibit the typical signs like spinning or flapping, numerous specialists have confirmed his diagnosis. - ‘What do you think caused it?’
We’ve asked ourselves that countless times. The truth is, we’ve moved past the blame game and focus instead on supporting our child. We hope you can appreciate that. - ‘Ohhh…what can he do?’
I mentioned autism, not a talent show. While some individuals with autism have unique skills, not everyone does. This question often highlights a misconception and reinforces feelings of difference. - ‘Maybe if you just provided him with some discipline.’
Be careful—this might earn you a swift dodge! Autism isn’t due to poor parenting. What might look like a tantrum could actually be a sensory meltdown, and it’s important to recognize the difference. - ‘I try to talk to him, but he never responds. Maybe he should get his hearing checked.’
We’ve already done that. He hears you. Just because he doesn’t reply doesn’t mean he isn’t trying to communicate. - ‘Maybe he just prefers to be alone.’
He might seem to gravitate towards solitude, but that doesn’t mean he enjoys it. It’s often easier than navigating the complexities of social interactions. Watching him alone can be painful, especially when others assume he likes it. - ‘He’s not that bad.’
I never said he was bad or broken. Having autism means he experiences the world differently, and “different” doesn’t equate to “bad.” - ‘He’ll eat when he’s hungry.’
No, he probably won’t. Would you let your child go days without eating to see if they’d change their mind? It’s not that simple. - ‘You are so [insert amazing, brave, strong, loving, etc. here].’
Honestly, I’m just doing my best. It’s my child who is outstanding. - ‘I’m sorry.’
There’s no need for pity; I’m not sorry most days. - ‘Will he always be like that?’
Yes, he will always have autism. It will affect his life in various ways, but he will also grow, love, and find joy, teaching me to appreciate his unique perspective.
Talking about autism can be challenging, but engaging in conversations about it doesn’t have to be. Educating yourself on the topic is the first step toward understanding. If you’re interested in more insights, check out this blog post or visit Make a Mom for expert advice. Additionally, Cleveland Clinic is a great resource for information on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, being mindful of what we say can make a significant difference in supporting parents of children with autism. Instead of focusing on what may seem different, let’s celebrate the unique qualities of each child.