As an openly gay man in my early 50s, the desire to adopt has often drawn curious glances and pointed inquiries, the most common being, “Why?”
Why?
This question has followed me since I first stepped into a parenting class last summer. Initially, I felt the need to conjure some profound reason, but I’ve realized it boils down to something quite simple: I want to love and be loved.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
I am already a proud father to a son in his 20s who has just graduated from college. I’ve experienced the highs and lows of fatherhood and know exactly what I am getting into.
My clarity came last year when a friend of mine shared the news that he and his wife were expecting their third child. This announcement was met with the usual excitement and joy, but notably, he was never asked “why.” With two kids already, he faced no scrutiny about his choice to expand his family. No one questioned his motives or flooded him with forms and personal inquiries.
And certainly, he didn’t face friends and acquaintances with raised eyebrows and tilted heads asking, “Why?”
Why does anyone choose to have a child? We all know that parenting can be a challenging, time-consuming, and often costly journey. So, what drives us to embark on this path? Is it the desire to grow our family, to seek companionship and love, or perhaps to leave a legacy that we hope will remember us?
There seems to be a notion that gay men, lesbians, and others outside the traditional mold shouldn’t aspire to parenthood. Some believe we are too engrossed in our “gay lifestyles” or that we simply aren’t fit for the role of parent. But that’s a narrow view.
Queer individuals are multifaceted and what we do in our personal lives is just a small part of who we are. We have careers, friendships, hobbies, and yes, many of us yearn to be parents too. We contribute to society, pay taxes, and lead fulfilling lives. We have the capacity and desire to share our homes and hearts with children who need love and support.
If asked for a compelling reason, I would share my understanding of the pain that comes from parental disappointment and the loneliness of feeling different. I know what it’s like to navigate life without a supportive family, and I believe I can help children in foster care face their own challenges. I want to guide them toward becoming resilient, emotionally healthy adults.
As a child, I often fantasized about someone swooping in to rescue me from my difficult circumstances. Someone who would help me escape a life filled with turmoil and replace it with one filled with love and acceptance. I know there are kids today, perhaps in Mississippi where I live, who are waiting for that same miracle.
I have my reasons, but ultimately, the simplest and most honest answer is that I want to love and be loved—just like everyone else. I want to help with homework, cheer at baseball games, and be there for the little moments that shape a childhood.
I acknowledge the challenges I face. Living in a state like Mississippi, where recent legislation, such as SB 1523, has made it legal to discriminate against LGBTQ+ individuals, poses significant obstacles for gay adoption. Yet despite these hurdles, Mississippi is also home to many gay couples raising children, and I hold onto hope.
Regardless of the outcome, I will be able to look in the mirror and say I tried.
For more insights on similar topics, check out our other blog posts, including a discussion on privacy policies here, and for resources related to home insemination, visit Make a Mom or Rmany.
Summary:
This article narrates the heartfelt desire of a gay man in his 50s to adopt. He reflects on societal biases, his own experiences of fatherhood, and the longing for connection and love that drives many to become parents. Despite facing potential discrimination due to state laws, he remains hopeful and determined to try.