I’ve been grappling with how to communicate some important thoughts with you. My hesitation comes from my own feelings of vulnerability—shame for not recognizing these issues before they became personal to my family and fear that your reactions might indicate you aren’t a safe ally for my son. I worry that if you doubt my experiences, I’ll just end up feeling frustrated. However, as my son matures from a sweet little boy into a strong young man, I know perceptions about him will shift, and I need your support to help keep him safe.
We have conversations with our son about navigating safety. We stress the importance of respecting authority figures, keeping his hands visible, avoiding wearing his hood up, and being cautious when playing near neighbors. We’re trying to strike a balance between fostering his pride in his identity and preparing him for the reality that not everyone will see him through the same lens we do. Some may label him as a “thug” before they even learn his name or recognize his talents.
Engaging in Important Conversations
But here’s the thing: As much as we try to shield him and teach him self-advocacy, there may come a time when your child will be involved. As the parents of my son’s white friends, I urge you to have discussions with your kids about racism. Talk about the assumptions people might make about my son. Discuss what they should do if they witness an injustice.
In predominantly white circles, it’s easy to embrace notions of “colorblindness,” thinking it reflects enlightenment. However, teaching your children to be colorblind may leave them ill-equipped to understand the unique challenges my son faces. If you present racism as an issue of the past and use our friendship as proof that harmony exists, you’re not helping us. Just because you haven’t encountered overt racism doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
Understanding the Reality
It’s simple to believe we live in a post-racial society when you don’t know that just last week, I was on the phone with my son’s school principal discussing racial slurs he was facing. I felt grateful for the school’s prompt response but also recognized that many children wouldn’t feel safe sharing their experiences. It’s easy to overlook racial bias when you don’t see that a neighbor reported my children to Child Protective Services for behaving just like their white peers. These were complaints about typical childhood activities—play that was deemed unacceptable only because of their race.
The emotional impact of a social worker showing up at your door to interview your kids is profound, especially for children with a history in foster care. I am still grappling with the neighbor’s actions that led to this distressing situation, even though it was resolved quickly. This neighbor likely doesn’t see himself as prejudiced; however, the disparity in treatment reveals an underlying bias. What he saw as a concern was, in reality, harassment.
A Call to Action
So, white parents, please engage your kids in conversations about racism. If they witness my son being bullied or called derogatory names, I need them to stand up for him. It’s crucial they understand the gravity of such situations and not dismiss them as trivial. If your child is playing soccer with my son and police are nearby, encourage them to stay close. They should be a witness and remain composed. In those moments, it’s not the time for risky behavior. My son will be held to a different standard, and it’s essential to understand that.
Treat my son with respect. Don’t touch his hair without permission. Avoid using slang as a joke, and think twice before making remarks that could come off as insensitive. Kids are always absorbing what they hear, including the jokes you tell. It’s vital to engage in tough conversations about race and current events, even when it’s uncomfortable. We can’t afford to shy away from these discussions.
Be an advocate for this incredible boy who has shared meals at your table and celebrated birthdays with your family. He deserves the same consideration as any other child. His life has value and meaning, just like every other child. I have hope that when white parents actively discuss these issues with their kids, we can start to foster real change.
Further Reading
For more insights on this topic, check out our other blog posts, including this one. Additionally, Make a Mom is an excellent source for understanding the journey of artificial insemination. If you want to learn more about pregnancy and home insemination, Progyny offers valuable resources.
In Summary
I invite you to join me in a dialogue about race. It’s crucial that we work together to ensure the safety and dignity of all our children, fostering an environment of understanding and respect.