Dear Exhausted Mama,
I totally get it. You’re juggling a baby or two toddlers who seem to think climbing all over you is their daily workout. Your preschooler has decided that being attached to you is the only way to survive the day. And let’s not forget those sleepless nights filled with feedings, nightmares, and various forms of nighttime chaos.
You’ve been touched, held, squeezed, and cuddled all day long. When the day winds down, the last thing you want is to dive into intimacy. Trust me, I’ve been there. After having my first child, my desire for intimacy hit rock bottom. We ended up having two more kids without even planning it, so it’s not like there was a complete lack of activity. Still, most of the time, I was engaging in what I fondly termed “pity sex.” The desire for closeness? About 3% if I’m being generous.
It was tough for me, feeling like I was constantly turning my partner down. He was incredibly understanding, but it was hard for him to grasp just how little interest I had in physical intimacy. It wasn’t just a lack of mood; I actively didn’t want it. The mere thought of intimacy sometimes felt overwhelming.
For some, physical touch is their love language. I enjoy it until I hit my limit. With three kids, there’s no shortage of affection. My youngest two are particularly cuddly, which I love—until I reach a point where I just can’t handle any more. By early evening, I was completely touched out.
Reconciling my emotional connection with my husband while feeling physically disconnected was a challenge. Our relationship was thriving in many ways, yet my body was not on board. After a long day of constant contact, the idea of being intimate made my skin crawl. I was simply too exhausted. When the kids finally went to bed, all I wanted was to relax. While my husband saw intimacy as a way to unwind, it felt like a workout to me. Even the thought of engaging in something enjoyable was just too much at the end of the day.
But here’s the good news: things can improve! My youngest is now 6, and I’m thrilled to say that my desire has returned. Yay for me! At one point, I worried I’d never feel that connection again. My doctor assured me that low libido during those early years is completely normal due to new life circumstances, hormones, and lack of sleep. But I still wondered if something was wrong with me.
Turns out, I was perfectly normal! What a relief. Here are a few strategies that helped me during those challenging years that might assist you, too:
1. Plan Ahead.
I found that scheduling intimate moments helped me mentally prepare. As unromantic as it sounds, marking it on the calendar was an underrated strategy. It also prevented me from forgetting altogether, which was often the case otherwise. My husband would point out how long it had been, and I’d be shocked. Sticking to a schedule kept the spark from completely fading.
2. Open Up the Conversation.
My husband and I had many discussions about our needs. We figured out what frequency worked for him and what felt overwhelming for me. We compromised, knowing this was a phase we needed to navigate together.
3. Show Affection in Other Ways.
I made it a point to express my love through kind words and gestures, reassuring my husband that my lack of interest wasn’t a reflection of him. It was important to communicate this to him, even if he struggled to understand.
4. Sometimes, Just Go for It.
Occasionally, I’d engage in intimacy even when I wasn’t in the mood. Surprisingly, sometimes starting the act would get me in the mood. I tried to reserve outright refusals for moments when the thought made me cringe. If it was just a mild lack of interest, I’d give it a go for my husband’s sake.
5. This Too Shall Pass.
While I can’t guarantee you’ll bounce back immediately, I’m proof that a low sex drive can just be a phase of parenthood. You may find that what feels like a burden today will soon transform back into a blessing. Believe it or not, you might even find yourself initiating intimacy again one day. Yes, really!
Remember, you’re not alone. Many women experience low or no libido after having kids. Be gentle with yourself, and know that your desire will return in time—it will be worth the wait!
Warmly,
A Mom Who Found Her Spark Again
For more insights, check out our other blog posts on related topics, like this one on pregnancy and insemination. You can also explore resources at IVF Babble for valuable information on pregnancy and home insemination. And for a comprehensive guide on your journey, visit Make a Mom for expert advice.
Summary: This article offers support for moms of young children who find themselves with low libido. It shares personal experiences and practical advice on how to navigate intimacy challenges, emphasizing that many women face similar struggles and that it’s possible to regain desire over time.