It’s me again! Can you believe it’s been eight months since we became neighbors? I’m honestly quite disappointed that we haven’t had the chance to get to know one another better. Every time I’ve stopped by, it seems you’ve been out, so I thought I’d reach out through this note instead. I just wanted to share some of the amusing chaos that seems to follow me around—and to see if you might be up for grabbing a drink or coming over for cake (I always have cake).
Let me tell you, I was so upset to learn that you didn’t get to enjoy the blueberry muffins I left for you. It all makes sense now why you looked confused when I shouted from my car that I hoped you liked the treat on your doorstep. After some detective work with my kids, it turns out my youngest and his brother couldn’t resist snacking on them. They claimed they left the container on your porch, but since you weren’t home, they decided to have a muffin feast throughout the day! I should have known something was off when they skipped lunch! I’m really sorry you only got the one muffin with a bite taken out of it. I promise to bring you another batch this weekend.
It’s unfortunate that our only encounters seem to occur during these wild moments! Just last week, my dog dug under our fence, and I had no idea until I heard your cat making a ruckus (who knew cats could make such sounds?). I hurried over to check, and I swear I yanked my dog off your cat right away! I didn’t even realize he could still be so spry with his bad hip. I apologize for that!
Speaking of my dog, he’s also the reason you encountered me in such an embarrassing state. He got into the trash (I won’t go into the unpleasant details), which caused him some serious tummy troubles. After a long night of taking him out, I was exhausted. While I was showering, he started clawing at the door again, so I rushed him outside—unfortunately, my towel slipped off just as he decided to relieve himself on my foot and my towel. So when you came out onto your balcony, there I was, completely naked, trying to clean my feet while yelling, “Please stop shitting on me!” It probably looked like some strange dance ritual, and I appreciate you getting your kids inside so quickly.
Now, I must apologize for scaring your son. I had been using the half-finished house next door as a little retreat, a place to escape with my chair, lamp, and a stash of “good chocolate” (which my kids found out about). I had no idea you were bringing potential buyers over that night. I was so engrossed in my magazine that I didn’t hear you, which is why I shouted, “I have a gun!” when your son and his friend walked in. I truly didn’t mean to scare them, and I’m sorry for making him cry. I hope they still consider moving into the neighborhood! It would be wonderful to have new neighbors with kids.
My husband thinks I may have given you the wrong impression in my last letter when I mentioned our alcohol selection. If you don’t drink (I can’t say I fully understand that—ha!), I also make fantastic mocktails, or I can whip up some lemonade or water.
I really would love to get to know you better and show you that we’re just a normal family looking for friends to BBQ with and play Pictionary. I’ll keep my dog in his kennel, and I promise my boys now know they have neighbors who can hear their shenanigans. One morning, my son was just yelling because he forgot his iPad and didn’t realize I was in the shower—that’s why he was screaming that he was “dying!” Kids can be so silly.
I hope to hear from you soon. Feel free to stop by anytime, and if I’m not around, you might find me next door!
Warmly,
Your Neighbor
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