When the clock strikes 10:58 p.m. and your phone buzzes, resist the urge to check it. Trust me—it’s probably not good news.
“I really hate to do this over email, but I don’t have the courage to call,” a mom named Lisa wrote to me and a few other parents. “My son came home upset about something that happened at school. I spoke to Mr. Johnson about it, and he witnessed the whole thing. I felt it was important to reach out.”
That’s when my heart began to race. She was implying my child had been less than kind to her son.
As I read further, Lisa shared some serious “mean kid” behavior—exclusion, name-calling, and even bordering on bullying. While my child wasn’t the instigator, she didn’t intervene either, which honestly felt just as troubling.
“I understand my son can be a bit much, but these kids will be in school together for years. I hope we can improve their relationship. I’ve told him to apologize for what he said, and I want to follow up to ensure he did.”
I had to admire Lisa’s approach. She was classy, not playing the blame game, and she took some responsibility. She focused on the facts, and it was clear she wanted what was best for everyone involved.
But as I lay awake that night, I was an emotional mess. You think you want to know when your child misbehaves, but when you find out from another parent, well… ignorance was bliss.
In the hours that followed, I cycled through the five stages of realizing my child was not being kind. Here’s how it unfolded:
Denial
There’s no way my sweet kid would act this way. Lisa must have mixed him up with another child.
Anger
How could he do this? I can’t believe he would be mean to someone. I brought him into this world, and now I’m questioning my parenting.
Bargaining
Maybe there was a misunderstanding, or perhaps the other child wasn’t telling the truth.
Depression
Why did it have to be my kid? Where did I go wrong? Maybe I let him play too many video games!
Acceptance
Alright, what actions do I need to take with him? Time to enforce some consequences.
The next morning at breakfast, I brought up the “incident.” I barely got a few words out before my son, Tyler, started to cry.
“Mom, I didn’t know what to do. It started as a joke, and then it spiraled out of control,” he explained.
I was skeptical, but as he shared his account, it seemed to align with Lisa’s version. I was relieved he didn’t partake in the negative behavior but disappointed he didn’t step in either.
“Where do we go from here?” I asked him.
“Mr. Johnson made us write apology letters as homework,” he said, pulling out a wrinkled piece of paper from his backpack.
“Do you think that’s sufficient?” I asked, adopting my sternest mom voice.
“Not really. I told him I was sorry after school, but maybe I could do something nice for him too,” Tyler suggested, looking down.
“Great idea! How about we both do something nice for him, like treating him to ice cream with the allowance you’ll earn from chores this weekend?” I thought I’d cleverly turned this into a win-win situation for both of us.
“Okay, Mom. I got it. And I’m really sorry,” he said.
I believed him. I was even a bit proud of him for admitting his mistake so quickly.
We often say we want to know if our children are behaving poorly, but the reality can be tough to handle. This situation was minor, but it created a learning opportunity for when my child messes up again—because he surely will. Maybe next time, I’ll move from anger to acceptance a bit more swiftly.
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In summary, discovering that your child has acted poorly can be a tough pill to swallow, but it’s also an opportunity for growth and learning. Navigating the emotional stages is part of the journey of parenthood.