When the time comes to potty train your little one, you might feel well-prepared. Perhaps you’ve read a few books or gathered advice from friends who’ve successfully navigated the process with their own kids. At first, it may not seem as daunting as everyone claims. However, once you dive in, you quickly discover that it can be challenging—filled with accidents, some defiance, and an avalanche of laundry. But eventually, it seems like you’re in the clear, and your child is officially out of diapers!
Yet, there’s an often-overlooked aspect of potty training that can throw a wrench in your plans: regression. I’m not speaking of the occasional slip-up when your toddler has been trained for a few months. I’m referring to those frustrating regressions that can occur when your child starts school, at a time when you thought these issues were behind you.
I’m currently experiencing this challenge with my daughter, and it’s unveiling parts of me I didn’t know existed—frustrating and dark sides that come out especially when, for the fifth time this week, she strolls away from the couch with a wet backside. When I inquire if she knows what has happened, she casually admits to having had an accident, shrugging her shoulders as if it’s no big deal.
My partner and I have always reassured our daughter that accidents are perfectly normal. We emphasize that we won’t get upset; sometimes, the urge just sneaks up on us or we lose track of time. I’m personally keen to prevent her from feeling any shame about these mishaps. I grew up with a bladder disorder that went undiagnosed for years, and the shame I felt during that time still lingers with me. I had hoped to create an environment where my daughter feels completely safe, regardless of the occasional accident. And for the most part, it seems to have worked—she doesn’t show signs of embarrassment or concern about what others think when she has an accident.
However, everything changed toward the end of her first year in junior kindergarten when we moved away from the city. Her daily routine was completely disrupted, and the friends she had made throughout the year were suddenly gone. We lived in a chaotic state of boxes for weeks, trying to balance finishing the school year while settling in 45 minutes away from her old life.
Almost overnight, her accidents multiplied. Some days, she’d have none, but on others, upwards of five. She would come home in clothes that weren’t hers, having exhausted the three spare outfits we packed for her. We tried to keep our reactions neutral, continually expressing that we were not angry, just puzzled about her inability to recognize when she needed to go.
I started reminding her more frequently, but she often returned from the bathroom claiming she couldn’t go. Then, in a moment of honesty, she confessed that she sometimes held it in because she didn’t like being told what to do. She admitted to disliking handwashing, which was contributing to her reluctance to use the bathroom. Furthermore, she claimed she couldn’t feel when she needed to go—something that puzzled me since she never had accidents while out at restaurants; she always asked to go then.
Now that she’s just turned five, I suspect her fear of missing out (FOMO) is causing her to ignore her body’s signals. This is a common issue, right? After consulting with our pediatrician, it seems to be behavioral. But the daily power struggles are exhausting. She even opts not to drink water at school to avoid having to pee. Getting her to use the bathroom before school has become a battle, often leading to frantic morning scenarios that risk us being late. I’ve tried everything from yelling to pleading, bargaining, and even reward charts. Nothing has proven effective for more than a week or two.
Right now, each day feels like an uphill battle. My daughter is clearly distressed by something that should be a natural part of life, and I’m at a loss for how to support her. No amount of reasoning or discussions seems to make a difference. For now, I can only hope that when people tell me not to worry—that she won’t still be having five accidents a day at 16—they’re right. For her sake.
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Summary
Potty training regression can be a frustrating experience for parents, especially when it happens unexpectedly after a move or during significant life changes. Understanding your child’s feelings and providing a supportive environment is crucial for navigating these challenges.
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