Mornings at my home can be quite a whirlwind. With three daughters ranging from a toddler to a teenager, it’s always a race against the clock to prepare breakfast, pack lunches, locate socks, and gather homework, all while trying to squeeze in a cheerful “good morning.” Add in a bad hair day, pre-test jitters, or some teenage moodiness, and even my most benign comments can trigger an emotional explosion in my eldest daughter.
“Your ride will be here in about five minutes,” I remind her from the kitchen, attempting to keep my voice calm despite feeling the tension rising.
“Don’t you think I know what time it is?” she snaps back from the hallway. I’m standing at the counter, slicing apples, feeling both frazzled and frustrated. She finally appears three minutes later, hastily throwing together her lunch, tossing her heavy backpack over her shoulder, and grabbing the bagel and cream cheese I prepared for her, all without a word of thanks or even a glance in my direction.
Suppressing my annoyance and disappointment, I call out stiffly, “Alright, bye then.” She shoots me a dismissive smirk as she walks away. This is not how I want to kick off the day.
It turns out, she feels the same way. At 10:37 a.m., right in the middle of her third-period class, I receive a text: “sry mom.”
I’m relieved she chose to reach out after our rocky start, even if it’s against school rules to text during class. For a moment, I’m curious about how she’s managing to do it—Is her phone stashed under her desk? Is she texting from her laptop?—but I let that thought fade. I usually don’t text her during school hours unless it’s urgent, but I refuse to ignore her message.
I quickly respond: “Me too. Is something bothering you?”
Moments later, I see those little dots indicating she’s typing. She opens up about what’s troubling her beyond my morning reminders. I acknowledge her feelings and offer the understanding I couldn’t provide earlier amidst the chaos. I tell her we can discuss it more when she’s home. We end the exchange with a kissy face emoji from me and her Bitmoji giving two thumbs up. While the issue isn’t fully resolved, at least we’ve begun a dialogue.
In the realm of texting, we find common ground and reconnect. It doesn’t serve as a barrier like it can sometimes do when we’re physically together. Instead, it feels like a cozy blanket, allowing us both to be more vulnerable and express ourselves without the interruptions and nonverbal cues that can spark misunderstandings.
For parents in their 40s, navigating digital communication can be a double-edged sword. We often crave moments away from screens, even as we find ourselves more integrated into the digital world. For our teenagers, however, this environment is second nature. Texting, Snapchat, Google Hangouts, and Instagram are their social playgrounds, where they communicate, plan, and explore their identities.
As the parent of a teen, overlooking technology as a communication tool seems like a missed chance. Traditional ways of connecting that worked in her childhood don’t resonate as much anymore. Although we still manage to share sit-down conversations or cozy chats, those instances are becoming rarer, as they should be. My daughter is growing up and her peers are taking center stage, making me feel more like a side character than a leading role. Still, I refuse to let silence become the norm between us, and texting her—even during school—is a great way to bridge that gap.
My morning reminder was intended to be helpful, but through our texts, she revealed that it made her feel like I didn’t trust her independence. Conversely, I expressed that her response had hurt my feelings. Texting provided us both the time and space to listen and be understood, paving the way for a more constructive face-to-face conversation later. As a parent, my goal is to maintain a strong, honest connection with my daughter during her teenage years, even if it means bending the rules occasionally.
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In summary, embracing digital communication with my teenage daughter has opened new avenues for connection, allowing us to address our feelings and maintain a bond as she navigates her teenage years.