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Parenting
The Key to Nurturing Independent Kids
by Samantha Lee
Updated: May 2, 2016
Originally Published: May 2, 2016
Image: Dubova / Shutterstock
Watching your child tackle the jungle gym solo for the first time, sending them to the corner store, or saying goodbye at the airport when they board a flight alone can be challenging milestones to navigate. As a self-described “softy,” I’ve approached these tough parenting choices by allowing my son, Alex, who is now 16, to guide me on when he feels ready to spread his wings. So far, this strategy has proven successful.
I know some parents hover over their little ones like diligent sheepdogs at the park and still walk them to the bus stop well into middle school. However, when Alex reached the age of 12, he expressed a desire to take the train to school by himself. My immediate thought was, “No way!”
Even though our neighborhood is safe, Alex has ADHD and can be easily distracted. What if he missed his stop? What if someone bothered him? However, I recognized that this first step toward independence was crucial for him. My partner and I decided to let him give it a shot. We calmly discussed various scenarios—what to do if he got lost, missed his stop, and so on—without overwhelming him.
And guess what? Everything went smoothly. Alex handled it with ease, and something remarkable happened: he began to shine. He exuded newfound confidence as he swiped his MetroCard among the bustling Brooklyn commuters, making choices and taking charge of his own journey.
For perhaps the first time, he was responsible for himself. We even discovered that others were looking out for him along the way. One day, a crossing guard near the subway approached me and asked if I was Alex’s mom. My heart raced with apprehension. What had he done this time? To my relief, she said, “He’s a wonderful kid! So polite and always says hello.”
What a relief!
During a school play, I was amazed to see Alex fist-bump a security guard outside the school near the train station. He had built relationships on his own, creating a life independent of me. It was incredible to see! I was also pleasantly surprised to learn that Alex was becoming a responsible member of the community without needing reminders. An elderly neighbor shared how thoughtful Alex was, helping her carry her packages up the stairs while she managed her walker. My heart swelled with pride.
My friends often comment on how kind Alex is to their younger siblings. “Most kids ignore little Max,” one friend mentioned, “but not Alex. He’s really nice to him and plays with him.” How does this happen? Do our kids listen to us sometimes? Do they absorb our lessons?
Absolutely.
But here’s the thing: children need opportunities to be independent—when it’s safe and appropriate. They must learn to navigate challenges, make decisions about who they want to be, and establish friendships without our constant presence. By granting them a taste of freedom, we’re doing them a great service. Letting them run errands and embrace independence helps them grow.
So, take a leap and let go. In the end, your children will likely surprise you in the best ways possible. They will flourish and evolve as individuals, and you’ll witness their growth firsthand.
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Summary
Nurturing children’s independence is crucial for their growth. Allowing them to take on challenges without constant oversight helps build their confidence and responsibility. It’s important to give kids the freedom to explore and make decisions, which ultimately leads to their flourishing as individuals.