J.D. Salinger once remarked, “Mothers are all slightly insane.” In my case, my mom seems to embody that sentiment more than most.
From what I see on social media, my mom friends generally fall into two distinct groups: those with healthy mothers and those without any maternal presence at all. My situation is different; my mother is alive but struggles with her mental health. She is physically present yet emotionally absent. As I’ve discovered, there are no ceremonies for this kind of ambiguous loss—no wakes, no shiva gatherings. It’s hard to honor a mother who hasn’t truly been there for you.
My mother battles schizoaffective disorder, which combines symptoms of both bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. I’m not one to make light of mental health issues; in fact, I carry the weight of my own inherited struggles. Unfortunately, my mom has chosen not to seek help. She doesn’t attend therapy, take her medication, or manage her illness. Because of this, our relationship exists in a state of perpetual tension, one that has left a mark on my childhood.
Growing up with an emotionally erratic hoarder has surely shaped me, and those impacts become glaringly apparent once you embark on the journey of motherhood yourself.
1. Feeling Like an Imposter
As a motherless mother, you’re likely to feel out of place. While friends share stories of maternal support during pregnancy and parenting, you find yourself on the sidelines, unable to relate to those experiences.
2. Lack of Domestic Skills
My home isn’t a disaster zone, but my domestic abilities could use some polish. I’ve been teased for my unconventional method of loading a dishwasher and for not knowing how to properly chop garlic until my thirties. The anxiety of passing these skills on to my child weighs heavily on me.
3. No One to Call in Crises
When my child experienced severe colic, I longed for someone to share the burden of those sleepless nights. Instead of calling my mother, who would have been absent or distressed, I turned to my mother-in-law and online communities for guidance during these tough times.
4. Missing Out on Joy
I also won’t have anyone to celebrate the milestones with. My mother wasn’t there for my wedding or my child’s first steps, and it’s heartbreaking to know that those moments will forever be lacking a maternal presence.
5. Worries About Your Child’s Future
Mental illness often runs in families, and I can’t help but worry if my child will inherit my mother’s struggles. The fear of passing down a legacy of mental health issues can be overwhelming.
6. Concern About Becoming Your Mother
In addition to fearing for my child, I worry about becoming my mother. The thought of my child resenting me as I resent her is a heavy burden to bear.
7. Limited Childhood Memories to Share
With a chaotic upbringing, I find it difficult to recall cherished memories or family traditions to pass on. Recreating a sense of stability for my child feels like an uphill battle.
8. Your Child Lacks a Grandmother
I had amazing grandmothers who loved and supported me, but my child will grow up without that vital figure. Explaining why Grandma is absent due to her mental health struggles is a challenge I’m still navigating.
9. Self-Doubt as a Mother
Over time, I’ve learned to forgive my mother for her shortcomings, but the task of forgiving myself is ongoing. I strive to be better for my child, realizing that questioning my abilities only proves my commitment to motherhood.
10. Resilience as a Motherless Mother
Ultimately, your past does not define you. You are capable of deep love and empathy, which can guide you in your journey as a mother. Your experiences, however painful, can fuel your strength and determination.
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In summary, being a motherless mother is fraught with challenges, from self-doubt to the absence of familial support. Yet, it’s also a journey of resilience and growth, teaching you to navigate and redefine motherhood on your own terms.