When my son was little, I often referred to him as “stubborn” or, in a slightly more positive light, “strong-willed.” He was never one to simply go with the flow; everything had to be just so, and if it wasn’t, he made his feelings known.
I recall a sunny spring afternoon when he was about 5 months old. We were sitting outside, and he was happily pulling up dandelions while I desperately tried to stop him from munching on them. As lunchtime approached, I picked him up to go inside, and he unleashed a full-blown wail. Not just a little cry, but a heart-wrenching protest, shaking his tiny fists and gazing longingly at the sunshine we were leaving behind.
I placed him back on the grass, and his face lit up with joy, but the moment I lifted him again, the crying resumed. I was astonished that such a young baby could express such distress at leaving a fun activity before he was ready.
But it wasn’t solely transitions that challenged him. A few months into solid foods, he became a picky eater. If something didn’t meet his exacting standards, he would turn his nose up and refuse to eat. The same applied to clothing; tags and scratchy fabrics were out of the question. He was often too hot or too cold, prone to dramatic tantrums that seemed impossible to resolve.
Despite his intense nature, parenting him was a joy. His intelligence shone through early on; he was deeply thoughtful and always curious. He adored reading, invented stories, and played with numbers. By age 4, he was manipulating fractions and reading with ease.
Interestingly, while he displayed strong-willed behavior at home, he was well-mannered and made friends easily at school. I speculated that his stubbornness was linked to his giftedness, a trait I’ve found common among many gifted children. I reassured myself that as long as he thrived outside our home, it was acceptable for him to express some of his frustrations with me, believing this was something he would outgrow.
Now, at age 9, he has learned to recognize when he’s being unreasonable and is making efforts to be more adaptable. However, he still experiences intense emotions, is fiercely independent, and can be competitive. Thankfully, the frequent tantrums have mostly faded away.
Recently, while researching, I stumbled upon Dr. Elaine Aron’s website, the clinical psychologist who introduced the concept of the “highly sensitive person.” Having been labeled “sensitive” myself throughout my life, I felt a spark of recognition as I read about the traits associated with highly sensitive individuals. My need for quiet, my strong emotions, and my ability to absorb the feelings of others all suddenly clicked into place. I wasn’t alone; I was simply part of the 20% of the population with the “highly sensitive” gene.
At first, it didn’t occur to me that my son might also be a highly sensitive person. In many ways, he can be self-absorbed and isn’t particularly shy. However, as I reviewed the traits of highly sensitive children, I found that he matched nearly every characteristic. His sensitivity to food, textures, and the emotions of those around him was all there.
Dr. Aron mentions that highly sensitive people are perfectly normal; their traits are inherent, yet often misunderstood. I began to wonder if I had misjudged my son. Perhaps labeling him as stubborn was too harsh, especially since I understood that his intensity was connected to his giftedness. Maybe I hadn’t shown him the patience he needed.
As he continues to grow, his emotional intensity is ever-present. During our bedtime chats, he shares his worries about school, friends, and even global events. He picks up on subtle cues from those around him, absorbing feelings deeply and often requiring support to navigate them.
I feel grateful that he confides in me—he sees me as a safe space to sort through his thoughts. While I sometimes struggle with my own impatience, I recognize our strong bond as fellow highly sensitive souls who love deeply.
I’m hopeful that gaining greater insight into him (and myself) will aid me as he matures. I aim to appreciate his sensitivities as strengths, assist him in processing challenges, and most importantly, embrace him as the remarkable child he is.
For more information on navigating these topics, you can check out this post on our blog about understanding your sensitivity and parenting styles.
Summary:
In this reflective piece, Lila Thompson shares her journey of parenting her highly sensitive son. She discusses the challenges of his strong-willed nature, his emotional intensity, and the realizations she had about both her and her son’s sensitivity. By understanding him better, she hopes to nurture his gifts and support him through his emotional experiences.