The Top 30 Insights of Toddlerhood by Jenna Thompson

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Dear Toddler,

Though I may own T-shirts that are older than you, in your brief three years, you seem to have acquired an astonishing amount of knowledge. Just ask, and often before I can even finish my question, you’ll deliver a detailed, opinionated response on everything from how to pronounce words to the latest weather updates. “You’re wrong” is not a phrase in your vocabulary—ever. You’ve been generously gifted with infinite wisdom, which you graciously share with your orbiting companions—your parents. Here are just a few things you’ve taught me:

  1. “Dog” is spelled “S-N-A-C-K” and questioning that will result in consequences.
  2. Toast must never be cut into triangles—unless you suddenly decide you want triangles.
  3. Dandelions are flowers, even after you’ve blown off all the fluff.
  4. It is impossible to be “too cold” to forgo pants.
  5. You are definitely not a baby.
  6. Tucking your shoelaces into your shoes counts as tying them. Yes, it does, and you can do it solo!
  7. Running out of string cheese or yogurt tubes is catastrophic.
  8. My food, regardless of what it is, is far superior to the gourmet meal on your plate.
  9. It’s amusing to see what can fit down that little hole in the toilet—except for poop. That’s a surprise for other places.
  10. This is your side of the bed, the other side too, both pillows, and nearly all of the blanket.
  11. My hands and purse double as trash cans for any food you’ve decided to reject.
  12. Crackers are a food group in your world.
  13. “Sleeping in” is a thing of the past—unless we have to rise early, then you sleep like a log, making it hard to wake you.
  14. Target aisles are the prime spots for throwing tantrums.
  15. If you need something, it must be addressed immediately—no matter where I am.
  16. Walks are exciting for about two minutes, then it’s time to be carried.
  17. Meals must be served in the exact dishes you requested—or else.
  18. Your preferences can change in an instant, and everyone should just roll with it.
  19. No height is too great to climb if snacks are suspected to be present.
  20. You can survive on nothing but Goldfish crackers until I stock up, at which point they become “yucky.”
  21. When a nap is cut short, avoiding eye contact is advisable for a while.
  22. Right before we leave is the perfect moment for a surprise poop—just after coats are zipped and shoes are tied.
  23. You have no concern for my schedule.
  24. Every injury requires a Band-Aid—even those invisible to the eye.
  25. You can sleep through almost anything—except the sound of late-night snacks or when your parents are being intimate.
  26. “You’ve seen this episode a million times” means nothing to you; we’re watching it again.
  27. From your throne in the backseat, you have the driving directions to everywhere.
  28. Rationality is not your forte.
  29. Chicken nuggets must be shaped like animals or dinosaurs.
  30. When it comes to attire, everything goes with everything, and capes, rain boots, and tutus are always appropriate for public outings.

You may be a lot of things, little one, but reasonable and flexible are not among them. The sooner we all accept this, the better off we’ll be—unless we want to face the full force of your fury. Thankfully, your adorable chubby cheeks and pudgy fingers can often soften the blow of your demands. Almost.

Love,
Mommy

For more insights, check out this post on home insemination and learn from the experts at Make A Mom about at-home insemination kits. For a deeper dive into pregnancy resources, visit Healthline.


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