I was just a teenager, only 15, when I experienced my first panic attack. It happened unexpectedly while I was walking home with a friend; suddenly, I found myself on the ground, paralyzed, unable to speak or breathe. My vision narrowed into a blur, and my hands trembled uncontrollably. I genuinely believed I was facing my end. My friend rushed to get my parents, who quickly drove the short distance to pick me up, where I lay curled up against a tree, feeling utterly defeated. That night was filled with tears, nausea, and frantic breaths, and it remains one of my most harrowing experiences.
In the following months, there were two more occasions when neighbors discovered me in a similar state and took me to the hospital. When the doctors informed me I was physically fine, I was stunned. I couldn’t understand how I could feel so terrible if everything was supposedly okay. It turned out I was grappling with an anxiety disorder.
Panic has since been a consistent part of my life. I’ve sought therapy and tried various mood-stabilizing medications. While some things help prevent these episodes, nothing has been as effective for managing them as cannabis has been.
I use marijuana primarily when the stressors in my life become overwhelming. Some months, I might need it daily; other times, I can go for half a year without a puff. However, as I grow older and my reactions to traditional medications have become more challenging, I’ve found myself relying on cannabis for an increasing number of reasons.
Painkillers have a tendency to heighten my anxiety, so I turn to marijuana for relief from back and shoulder pain. Unlike sleep aids that leave me groggy and plagued by nightmares, cannabis allows me to rest peacefully. It has truly become a miracle remedy for my medical issues that nothing else has resolved. Consequently, as an adult managing the demands of parenting, work, and life, I find myself consuming more cannabis now than I ever did during my college years.
I typically use a device known as a “one hitter,” which delivers about two puffs. That’s usually all I need to alleviate my anxiety, pain, or insomnia. On particularly tough days, I might take a few more hits to cope with both anxiety and discomfort.
I’m very cautious about how I obtain my cannabis. Medical marijuana was only recently legalized in my state and remains out of reach for many, including myself. Fortunately, I have friends who assist me in sourcing it from states where medical marijuana is available. I don’t have connections with drug dealers; my life revolves around being a work-at-home mom to three young kids. The drug dealer lifestyle simply doesn’t fit into my world.
When people discover that I use marijuana for medicinal purposes, they often respond with understanding. I explain, “I have a panic disorder, and cannabis helps manage my anxiety attacks.” The people who matter in my life want me to be healthy and happy, and they appreciate that I’m taking steps to care for myself, even if they sometimes worry about the legal aspects of my choices.
I plan to apply for a medical marijuana license in my state as soon as I can. I know it’s a treatment that works for me, and my doctor agrees. Now, we’re both waiting for our legislators to expand the list of conditions eligible for treatment. If I were a combat veteran, my anxiety disorder would already qualify. It’s frustrating how arbitrary these regulations can be.
I’m thankful to live in a place where I don’t have to fear for my safety or career when using cannabis to better my life. I can medicate when necessary, feeling a sense of relief knowing that while it may not be fully legal, it’s also not entirely forbidden where I live. I’m in a gray area of accessibility, but as regulations evolve, I move closer to obtaining my medical license.
Whenever I feel that familiar wave of anxiety creeping in, I reflect on that first panic attack. I remember the overwhelming fear of dying while curled up on the grass. Then, I pull out my one hitter, take my two puffs, and just like that, the anxiety subsides. The fact that something exists that can alleviate my panic attacks brings me immense peace. Knowing I don’t have to endure sleepless nights filled with tears and trembling, that alone has transformed my life for the better. I owe a great deal to cannabis for that.
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In summary, cannabis has been a vital part of my journey in managing anxiety and improving my overall quality of life. It has allowed me to cope with challenges in a way that traditional treatments could not, and I’m hopeful for a future where access to this remedy becomes even more straightforward.