Parenting
By L. Harper
Updated: June 24, 2020
Originally Published: April 20, 2016
“Enjoy every moment of it” is one of those well-intentioned parenting mantras that often feels completely unrealistic. It’s as if some parents have fallen into a state of blissful forgetfulness, where the chaos of raising kids is replaced by the notion that keeping a gratitude journal will solve all life’s challenges. While I sometimes envy that state of mind, during the day-to-day grind of parenting, the only use for a gratitude journal might be to discreetly hide the cover of Fifty Shades of Grey at the playground (and let’s be honest, I know you’re not reading it either, despite its 100 million copies sold).
Yet, a part of you feels pressured to relish every moment. After all, you chose to have kids, and you may have even worried about whether you’d be able to conceive. Naturally, you should be enjoying every second of it, right? What kind of insensitive parent wouldn’t want to embrace every single minute? You think you will, and you try to.
But here’s the reality: You will enjoy segments of it, maybe a lot of it, but not every single second. And that’s a source of concern, especially when everyone around you is echoing that same phrase. You can’t help but wonder if you’re the only one not fully embracing it. You might even feel compelled to ask, “Do you even have kids?”
When I reflect on my experiences, I realize I’ve never truly enjoyed every moment of anything, possibly because I’ve never indulged in hallucinogenic substances. If I had, perhaps every experience would feel like an endless euphoric party. Short of that, it seems nearly impossible to appreciate every single minute of parenting.
So, why do so many people insist on saying it? Often, it’s because their children have outgrown the baby and toddler stages. They yearn to rewind time, to savor the scent of a baby’s head, to embrace a squishy toddler, or to witness one more soccer game where their child is swimming in a jersey that’s too large. They long for another squabble with their tween or another life lesson to impart to their teen before they venture out into the world.
But they can’t go back. You, dear friend, are their proxy. You represent a strange second chance for others to see a parent truly cherish every moment with their child as the most joyous experience of their lives. Unfortunately, you can’t do it either, because neither could they, nor can anyone who is even remotely human.
Here’s a little truth: much of parenting is genuinely tough.
First, there’s the relentless cycle of it all. It’s not about any one thing but rather the monotonous repetition that comes with parenting in all its forms. Feed, change, rock, repeat. Feed, play, bathe, read, sleep, repeat. Drive, drive, drive; homework, yell about turning off Netflix, repeat. With each phase, you might feel like you’re stuck in an endless loop. As a parent, you often find it impossible to see beyond the mountain you’re pushing your boulder up. All you can do is keep going, while reminiscing about a time when you weren’t so well-versed in the art of mac and cheese.
Additionally, the various roles you play as a parent aren’t exactly glamorous. It’s like being a valet, janitor, nurse, taxi driver, cook, personal assistant, and server—all without any pay, vacation days, or tips. Honestly, your kids should at least consider tipping. But they don’t. You have to tackle all the mundane tasks of life-sustaining, which is part of the parenting agreement. If you claim to enjoy every single moment, I’m honestly a bit concerned for your well-being.
Let’s be real: kids can be downright rude (not mine, of course, as they’re old enough to read this and I’m trying to minimize their future therapy bills). Show me any child, and I’ll show you a little troublemaker. Don’t even get me started on the three-year-olds and eleven-year-olds. I barely survived those phases and definitely didn’t enjoy every moment. I think I enjoyed maybe seven minutes total. There’s nothing flawed about your kids or your parenting; they’re just little humans navigating their worlds, testing boundaries, and learning about consequences. Good parents set those limits, but enforcing them and following through isn’t exactly a non-stop joyride.
Despite not relishing every minute, I genuinely love being a parent—not just for the amusing stories, although those are certainly a bonus. I appreciate the challenge. I find value in the messiness of it all and the fact that it’s impossible to master. What starts as a grand plan of how you’ll parent quickly devolves into merely trying to survive, maintaining just enough sanity to keep your right to vote. Parenting is akin to The Road Runner Show, where you, dear friend, are the Wile E. Coyote. You create elaborate plans and think you’re going to get it right, only to end up surprised when you find yourself plummeting off a cliff. Meep, meep.
To clarify, the parents urging you to enjoy every moment didn’t truly do so themselves. They didn’t sit down after bedtime to write, “Dear Gratitude Journal, I loved today.” They also found themselves eating cereal while staring blankly out the window, overwhelmed and exhausted. Interestingly, they’re not trying to be condescending; they merely want to remind you that each stage of parenting does eventually pass. Yes, it’s replaced by another equally tough stage, but you can never go back and relive those moments. And, truthfully, you’ll yearn for them, sometimes painfully so.
What we really need is a parenting time machine to revisit those fleeting moments—rock that exhausted baby, kiss that little boy’s cheeks before he sprouts facial hair, hold those tiny toddler hands without worrying about your back, or admire the fervor in your tween’s eyes as they argue their case. But alas, we don’t have a time machine, and we can’t savor every moment.
What you can do is pause during the moments that bring you joy and soak them in. Take a mental snapshot, so you can recall those details when nostalgia hits hard. One of my fondest memories is holding my second child before her nap on a humid afternoon. She was one, delightfully soft and cuddly. As I swayed, she nestled into my neck, patting my back just as I was patting hers. I can still feel her weight, the dampness of her hair against my skin, and the warmth of her cheek as she drifted off. I truly enjoyed that moment, and really, that’s all we can hope for.
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Summary
The phrase “enjoy every moment of it” can often feel unrealistic for parents. While it’s a well-intentioned sentiment, the reality of parenting is filled with both delightful and challenging moments. Many parents long for the days of infancy and toddlerhood, but it’s essential to acknowledge that not every moment can be enjoyable. The continuous cycle of parenting tasks can feel overwhelming, and kids can test boundaries, leading to frustration. However, amidst the chaos, many parents find joy in the challenges and cherish the fleeting moments that truly matter. It’s vital to savor those special instances and hold onto them, as they are what make parenting worthwhile.