I spend about a third of my life sleeping, another third pondering what to cook for dinner, and the last part at youth sports events, cheering for my kids in their latest soccer, basketball, lacrosse, or football games. This considerable time on the sidelines gives me space for some serious introspection—soul-searching, if you will. Plus, it’s the perfect opportunity to munch on a pack of Sour Patch Kids, because when else can adults indulge in candy without judgment?
I genuinely enjoy watching my kids play, even when they’re just sitting on the bench. However, let’s be real—after attending my 1,038th game of the season, staying fully engaged is a challenge. My thoughts often drift to amusing places like this:
- Why are we always on the farthest field from the parking lot?
- I can’t believe I forgot my blanket again. Oh wait, it’s in the car, but the dog threw up on it. Should I retrieve it? Ew, no. Maybe if it gets really cold.
- This chair is so uncomfortable.
- Why do I always choose the broken chair? I might never get out of this thing. I’ll just sit here until everyone leaves. Ugh, my knees are practically touching my chin. Just smile. Nobody can tell.
- How old are those players? They are massive. That kid looks like he’s old enough to drive. Is that a mustache? Haha, I’m hilarious. Maybe I could go for a beer. Do I even like beer?
- I love this sport.
- Do I have cankles?
- Am I the only one still wearing capris? I need a wardrobe update. That mom looks great in capris. Bet she does pilates or barre.
- Is there a bar nearby?
- How many minutes did my son play? Three? I should get an app for tracking playing time. I never use apps. Mmm… apps. I could go for some buffalo chicken dip, or not edamame. They’re just trendy lima beans.
- Was that a raindrop?
- I think that was rain. I hope it was rain.
- Wow, that guy is loud.
- Oh wait, that’s my husband. He’s not a jerk. I must be tired.
- Is that a bee? Is that a bee?!
- I can’t escape this chair! IS THAT A BEE?!
- It’s too chilly for spring.
- I wish I had my blanket. Need to wash it, organize the laundry, empty the dishwasher, and declutter the closets. Oh, and I definitely need to tackle that mountain of papers on the kitchen table. We really should get a new kitchen table. Maybe a new kitchen altogether.
- Is that my son out there? What number is he? Why is that other kid always playing? Ah, coach’s son. He’s terrible. Oh wait, he just scored. Ball hog!
- Wow, missed a shaving spot—like my entire left leg and my right too.
- Uh-oh, she’s coming over to chat with me.
- I can’t remember her name. What’shername-whatshername…what is it?! Just look straight ahead.
- I like her hair.
- I hate my hair.
- I definitely felt rain.
- What should I make for dinner?
- I dislike making dinner. Is dinner even necessary?
- I need a bathroom break.
- That’s a long walk. Those bathrooms are gross. There’s never any toilet paper or hand towels. And why are there always spiders? I can hold it. I’m stuck in this chair anyway. I can’t feel my legs.
- Can’t believe I forgot my fleece again.
- Go blue!
- Am I yelling too loudly? That felt a bit excessive. I probably sounded like Rosie O’Donnell.
- Is there a bar nearby?
- What number is my son?
- Do I really have to make dinner?
- How many times have we eaten pizza this week? We can do pizza again. It’s not that bad. Healthier than other options…like fried chicken or…well, never mind.
- Did my kid just score?
- Darn, missed it. I’ll tell him I saw it. Great job, buddy! Oops, don’t say “buddy.” Dude? Nah, don’t say dude.
- What inning is it?
- What quarter is it?
- What period is it?
- What day is it?
- That didn’t look like a foul. Is that rain? I think I felt rain again. I hope that was rain.
- Did we really need to drive two hours to play this team?
- I dislike this sport.
- I could really go for a bite of that guy’s pretzel. Oops, he’s looking at me. Did I say that out loud? Maybe he’s noticing my cankles.
- What’s the score?
- I like her sunglasses. They make her look like Tina Fey. They’d probably make me look like Tina Belcher.
- Is that rain?
- That ball was definitely out of bounds. What’s the score again?
- She seems nice.
- Forget it, she’s a screamer.
- Is this game almost over?
- Where did I park? Where is my other child? Where are you now that I need you? Where are you, where are you now? Great, now I have Justin Bieber stuck in my head.
- I could really go for shrimp and linguine.
- Wow, that’s random. With a glass of wine… Now you’re talking. Wasn’t that a movie? Who was in that? Bruce Willis? Where are you, Bruce?
- Did I even bring my other child?
- Where are you, where are you… Get out of my head, Justin. Is that thunder?
- I should take some photos.
- Darn, memory full, Delete, delete, delete…oh cute! Delete, delete. What’s the score?
- Overtime? Oh no. Please, no.
- I really need to pee. Was that rain?
- Please let that be rain.
This article was originally published on April 17, 2016. If you want to learn more about home insemination, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination at IVFBabble. Also, for further insights, you can explore the benefits of using an at-home insemination kit.