It was one of those tough afternoons. My son got off the school bus, and I immediately sensed that something was off. Typically, I could bring back the calm. I was optimistic, collected, and almost like a Zen mom. Okay, maybe not completely Zen, but I was really working on it—especially as a mom of a child with special needs.
My son has autism and often experiences intense emotional outbursts. Every therapist we consulted emphasized the importance of remaining calm and not reacting to provocations. That day, however, I couldn’t quite trace how the confrontation began. He was resistant to everything I said. Realizing he was likely hungry, I attempted to offer him his afternoon snack. But he was adamant about having cookies before eating his fruit, which is against our usual routine. It was clear that he was looking for an outlet for his pent-up emotions, and soon enough, they came pouring out.
He launched himself at me, arms flailing, and slapped me. Then, in an alarming turn of events, he began tearing pages from a book I was trying to read. When he reached for the library books nearby, something inside me snapped.
In that moment, through my tears, I remember running away from him with the books cradled in my arms, trying to protect them from my son, who was spiraling into a full meltdown. He chased after me, hands raised to hit me. He missed twice, but on the third attempt, he struck me hard on the back. That’s when I lost it momentarily.
My tears dried up as anger surged within me. How dare he act this way? I was the one in charge—not him! I shouted for him to stay away from me or I would throw a book at him. He retreated to the couch but then started laughing. And then, almost instinctively, I picked up one of the softcover books and threw it directly at him. It struck his arm, and the shock on both our faces was palpable. Then I noticed the fear in his eyes.
“Mommy, you threw the book at me!” he exclaimed.
I was trembling—not only because I had actually thrown the book, but also because the urge to do it again bubbled up inside me. I felt a wave of anger directed at myself for losing control and at him for provoking me. Tears streamed down my face once again, and I began to sob. I picked up the book and, through my tears, managed to say, “I’m very sorry, but I’m also really upset. I need to go calm down in my calm corner.”
We had established calm corners for him during his meltdowns, but it was clear that I needed one for myself at that moment. I retreated to the only room with a lock, the family bathroom. I spent the next 15 minutes crying and releasing every pent-up emotion. After that experience, I vowed never to lose my temper with my son again.
Motherhood can unveil both our strengths and weaknesses. It can make us stronger if we allow it to. I know many moms of kids with special needs who have shared similar breakdowns with me. One friend recounted how she stomped on her son’s foot in retaliation when he did the same to her, feeling a brief satisfaction before guilt washed over her. Another friend admitted that she would yell at her child until he cried, only to later feel terrible and join him in tears. Even moms with neurotypical kids have their moments of frustration and have admitted to losing control.
Let’s be honest: We’ve all had our moments of weakness. We’re human. However, as long as we view these incidents as learning opportunities and find strategies to manage our anger, we can be examples of calmness amid chaos for our children—regardless of their needs. That day transformed me into someone who now confronts my challenges with honesty and empathy.
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Summary:
This candid reflection discusses a challenging day when a mother lost her temper with her son who has autism. It illustrates the struggles of parenting a child with special needs and the importance of finding healthy coping mechanisms. Through a moment of frustration that led to an accidental book throw, the mother learns valuable lessons about anger management and the human experience of motherhood.