I found myself repacking my hospital bag for the third time, cramming even more mesh panties into the outer pocket. I was stalling.
Most new moms can’t wait to leave the hospital after giving birth. They yearn to return to the comforts of home, to settle into a familiar routine, and to snuggle their little one in a cozy bed big enough for their partner too. They eagerly anticipate embarking on their journey as mothers. Not me.
I glanced around the room I had just packed up. My duffle bag lay atop a pile of congratulatory flowers, a stack of heartfelt cards, and gift bags brimming with adorable newborn outfits. My husband was on his way to take me home, and I stared at the door, filled with dread. I didn’t want to go.
A nurse appeared, asking me to sign off on my baby’s birth certificate. I read my son’s name over and over, finally feeling satisfied that we had chosen a name strong enough to guide him through life. I attempted to engage with the nurse, but my heartbreak was undeniable. She noticed my distress and offered a few words of consolation.
“The positive side is that you’ll likely be all healed up by the time your baby comes home,” she said.
That’s when the tears flowed.
I knew she had good intentions and was trying to find a silver lining in an otherwise tough situation. Yes, my body would heal from the ordeal of childbirth, but the only way for my heart to mend was to have my baby with me. Until my little one was discharged from the NICU, I would feel empty and heartbroken.
I continued to cry as we left the labor and delivery ward. By the time we reached the elevator, I was shaking so much that my husband had to support me. I don’t even remember how he managed to get me into the car. As we drove away, I turned and looked back at the dreary brick building—my baby’s home for an uncertain period.
“This isn’t right,” I said. “He needs me. He needs his mom. I can’t leave him. I just can’t.”
“He’s receiving the best care possible,” my husband reassured me gently. “We’ll return to visit him tonight. Just a few more hours, and you need to rest.”
“I know, but what if something happens?” Panic swelled in my throat as every worst-case scenario played in my mind like a horrifying movie reel.
For me, the hardest part about leaving the hospital without my baby was the fear of the unknown. I had to trust complete strangers to care for my child, my flesh and blood, during the times I couldn’t be there. Thankfully, the NICU staff turned out to be true angels.
Once home, I tried to keep myself occupied. I had envisioned my first days back as a whirl of feedings, diaper changes, and endless cuddles. I hadn’t even considered the possibility of coming home without my baby. It felt unnatural; I was a bundle of hormones, and my maternal instincts were screaming to care for an infant.
I was fortunate to live just a few miles from the hospital, allowing me to visit my son multiple times a day. But there were still many hours when I should have been resting, eating, or showering that instead dragged on. I pumped milk obsessively, desperate to provide for my preemie even though he was too tiny to latch. I washed and rewashed tiny clothes in Dreft, folding them into neat little squares.
I wandered through the baby aisle at Target in such a fragile emotional state that I ended up in tears in the diaper section at the sight of a mom with her happy baby in a cart. I also broke some sort of record for the number of “check-in calls” made to the NICU. I did whatever it took to navigate the most challenging time of my life.
So, to the mom facing the tough reality of leaving the hospital without her baby, remember: do what you must to survive. Your baby will be home sooner than you think. You’ve got this! For more insights into pregnancy and home insemination, check out this helpful blog post. And if you’re looking for an authority on at-home insemination, visit Make a Mom. For a deeper dive into family-building options, Resolve offers excellent resources.
Summary:
This article shares the emotional journey of a new mother grappling with the heartache of leaving the hospital without her baby, who is still in the NICU. It emphasizes the fear and uncertainty new parents face, while also offering encouragement to those navigating similar situations.