Parenting represents a significant chapter in the journey of feminist advancement. Many women I know, who have enjoyed the privilege of making their own choices for much of their lives, found their feminist ideals challenged with the arrival of their little ones. If you’re like me and derive much of your identity from your career, the shift to being a stay-at-home mom can be quite challenging. After welcoming my second child, I hoped to embrace the role of a dedicated mom, but “thriving” wasn’t exactly how I would describe my experience.
The most difficult aspect of this transition was grappling with the intense dependence and interdependence that came with my new reality. I’ve always prided myself on being self-sufficient, but suddenly I found myself relying on others for income, time for reflection, sleep, and even the luxury of a meal enjoyed while sitting down. I felt, dare I say, needy and desperate. I often wondered, what would a feminist icon do in my shoes?
Looking back a year later, I’ve gathered some insights to share with others embarking on this challenging journey.
1. Release the Labels
You are neither a “good” mom nor a “bad” one. You’re not a “natural” or a “failure.” You are a complex human being with unique strengths and weaknesses, just like everyone else. I excel at emotional support but struggle with crafts. I prefer structure in my day but enjoy letting my kids play freely. I dislike being cooped up, so we venture out daily. I firmly believe in sleep training. These aspects define me as a mother. Much like our gender identities, we must adopt a nuanced and non-judgmental view of our parenting styles.
2. Embrace the Struggle
Let’s be honest: motherhood can feel incredibly unfair. From institutional patriarchy, which contributes to exorbitant childcare costs and inadequate parental leave, to the daily challenges of breastfeeding, sleepless nights, and career interruptions—these burdens can be overwhelming.
On my best days, I remind myself that these struggles are also privileges. I cherish the snuggles, the laughter, and the milestones I witness as my children grow. Yet, gratitude can be hard to muster when exhaustion sets in, leaving me feeling disoriented. It’s okay to acknowledge your struggles. You don’t have to enjoy every facet of parenting. Let your frustrations fuel your desire for change—be it advocating for systemic reforms or pondering the deeper meaning of this journey. These challenges often serve as a catalyst for great feminist movements.
3. Follow What Resonates with You
The plethora of parenting blogs, podcasts, and books exists for a reason: no one truly knows what they’re doing! We are all navigating the parenting landscape, informed by our feminist values. The beauty of rejecting outdated gender norms is that we can carve out new choices and values for ourselves. Trust your instincts. If something feels right, pursue it. There are countless valid ways to parent. My second child taught me that all my preconceived notions from the first child were hilariously off-base!
4. Just Pass the Baby
This advice is particularly relevant if you’re in a partnership with a male. If that’s not your situation, I recognize your challenges may differ, and I won’t presume to offer guidance.
It’s often easier to feel equal in the workplace than at home. The disparities in socialization become glaringly evident once children enter the picture. Research indicates that couples with more progressive gender views can experience lower marital satisfaction due to differing expectations. For instance, when a baby cries, your instinct might be to rush in, while your partner might assume you’ll handle it unless asked.
Avoid the temptation to lash out. Don’t engage in the “Who’s More Tired” debate—trust me, you know who is! Instead, educate your partner about shared responsibilities. Start by simply handing him the baby when things get tough. After a particularly sleepless night, I tossed the baby to my husband and declared, “I need sleep!” Another time, after he took a long nap, I handed him both kids and said, “I’m heading to Target!” It worked wonders for my mood.
When my little one turns a year old, I plan to phase out morning breastfeeding, allowing my husband to step in. I’ll keep passing the babies his way until he catches on. To my surprise, he often seems grateful for the clarity in my needs. He genuinely wants to support you; he just may need a nudge in the right direction.
As the feminist thinker bell hooks noted, “In the future feminist movement, we must work harder to show parents how ending sexism positively impacts family life.” We’re lucky to live in an era where we can redefine motherhood on our own terms. We can inspire our partners and children to embrace a love that critically examines our roles while celebrating their individuality.
This article was originally published on March 30, 2016.
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Summary:
The transition to stay-at-home parenting can be challenging, especially for women who identify strongly with their careers. It’s important to discard labels, embrace struggles, and follow what works for you. Communication with partners is crucial for equitable parenting, and redefining motherhood in a feminist context can be empowering.