I’ve done my share of Kegel exercises, opted for laser hair removal, and even indulged in a few vibrators. There’s not much I wouldn’t try for my lady parts—even steaming them!
You might think steaming is limited to tea, veggies, or the occasional DIY facial, but it turns out there’s more to it. Vaginal steaming, or V-Steam, is touted to enhance fertility, alleviate cramps, detoxify, boost lubrication, and provide a general freshness to your vagina. As for mine, it’s been perfectly fine—I’ve never even dealt with a yeast infection!
This practice of vaginal steaming has origins in Korea, dating back thousands of years, but it gained mainstream attention recently, largely thanks to celebrity Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth is known for embracing various trendy wellness practices—from Brazilian waxing to cupping—while the rest of us are still catching up. Just when I finally decided to go for hair removal, she went back to a full bush. Really?
Unlike Hollywood stars, I was raised by two pragmatic science enthusiasts. While they embraced spirituality, they also valued evidence over whimsy. So, I approached the concept of vaginal steaming with skepticism, seeing it as somewhat akin to colon cleansing or juice detoxes.
Curious about its validity, I consulted my OB-GYN friend, who chuckled and said, “Are you serious? This is a thing?” I assured her it was no drunken prank. She cautioned, “It could disrupt the bacteria down there. Messing with your vagina’s pH isn’t recommended, just like douching.”
With the scientific backing lacking, I thought perhaps it might still be a soothing experience—like a refreshing mud mask or a glass of wine. I decided to try it for myself.
While a spa in New York City offers vaginal steaming for $75, it’s not the most budget-friendly option for everyone. Besides, steam is free! Inspired by pioneer spirit, I set out to create my own home version. A quick search for “DIY Vaginal Steam” led me to instructions on the Yinova Center website, an alternative health hub.
Typically, vaginal steaming involves herbs. I rifled through my spice cabinet, wondering what my vagina might fancy. Chili flakes? Absolutely not. Oregano? Too reminiscent of pizza. I would have loved lavender and roses, but I was snug at home and not venturing out. Eventually, I found fresh thyme and rosemary in my fridge—perfect!
Traditionally, a V-Steam uses a slatted chair with a hole for the steam to rise. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a fancy chair, but I did have a toilet and a pot just the right size to balance on the lid. Laura Ingalls Wilder would have been proud.
Once the water boiled, I let it cool for 10 minutes to avoid scalding my sensitive areas. I transferred the water to my pot and carefully placed it on the toilet. With a deep breath, I settled down and tried to visualize my “yoni” blossoming like a flower, soaking in the steam for the ultimate facial experience.
However, my yoni was not on board. I could barely endure a few minutes before the steam felt like it was scorching me. Seriously, Gwyneth Paltrow? I half-wondered if she promoted this just to make the rest of us feel inadequate about our personal care habits.
I was determined to stick it out, but the pot heated up, making it uncomfortable to sit. I wrapped a towel around the pot to shield myself from the heat and to prevent any misconceptions about my intentions. Not that many people see me in such a state—but I digress.
As I endured the experience, I flipped through a magazine and clipped my nails, but the discomfort made me rise frequently to give my vagina a break. After half an hour of this, I finally stood up, surprised to find condensation running down my leg, which startled me momentarily—I thought I had accidentally peed myself! Then I remembered I had just given my vagina a steam treatment.
Standing there pants-less, I realized something vital: My vagina is perfectly fine as she is. She functions well and has no need for steaming. Rather than feeling relaxed, I felt an uncomfortable burn. I’m all for health and beauty sacrifices (I do an acid peel monthly), but the V-Steam seemed to offer no benefits. If you’ve ever fantasized about squatting over a pot of hot water with no pants on, then this might be your thing. If not, there’s nothing to miss out on (at least I got my nails done).
If I wanted to freshen up down there, I’d rather offer her a piece of gum or just wash her in the shower as usual. Perhaps Gwyneth has a super vagina that can handle the heat better than mine. Maybe this would be more enjoyable at a spa, or if I had better understood the temperature my lady parts could tolerate. Gwyneth can keep her steams; I’ll stick to steaming my veggies.
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Summary
Vaginal steaming, while a trendy practice that claims various health benefits, may not be suitable for everyone. After attempting a DIY version at home, the author realizes her vagina is perfectly fine without steaming and finds the experience uncomfortable rather than relaxing. For those interested in exploring home insemination, there are helpful resources and kits available.